Change your Response

I haven't updated this in awhile, I'm sorry.  It's been a month of ups and downs in my personal life and hasn't felt like the right time to tell the "world".  But I think I'm ready -- plus I have to get this stuff down on paper if I ever get to write a book about it!

As a lot of you know, I've been corresponding with my birth mother for the past 2 years.  I won't bore you with the story here as it's many, many pages.  But in October, all communication ceased.  I pushed her too far in the relationship, and she retreated.  I made a choice then, I wouldn't chase.  During this period of time, my social worker gave me some loving, difficult words.  Words I didn't want to face, words that hurt but were true.  This whole relationship was one sided.  It wasn't a true, right relationship.  I remained silent.

January 1st comes, I feel led to contact my birth siblings.  I did expecting a response --- silence, nothing.

Sometimes silence hurts more than words, right?

I then made up my mind (did you see the word my?) that I would not continue to go where I'm not wanted.  It's painful, it hurts, it's lonely.  I'm DONE.  D-O-N-E. I shared that in my prayer time to God, I'm D-O-N-E.  But in the back of my mind (not my heart), I knew I couldn't be done.  But allowed myself to "shelve it".  To not dwell on it, to not think about it, but to lay it to rest of now.

I'm about 3 weeks into my little "shelving process".  We are reading this book for book club that is a true story of about severe persecution in the US.  And that this family continued to live somewhere where someone didn't want them and made their lives miserable.  I found myself praying for this family -- what faith they had to remain to stay where they weren't wanted.  I prayed this as I read this book.  And also thinking I couldn't really relate to this.

Monday, Feb 13th -- having prayer time in the shower (yes, I do this alot -- it's rare solitude), I prayed for this family again and I felt the Lord telling me -- Yes, that's right.  They went where they weren't wanted and I'm telling you to do the same.  Persevere, continue on.  I nicely (NOT) reminded Him I was taking a break, I couldn't continue to go where I was not wanted.  It's painful all the way to your toes.  (That's a subject for another blog - not being wanted).

All day I couldn't get this out of my mind and really struggled with this -- I told God no repeatedly.

I checked the mail after getting the kids from school ----- guess what was in the mail?  THE sweetest card from my birth mom.  I had a colored rubber band ball of emotions.  Anger, sad, happy, hopeful, disgusted.

And finally, peace with God in knowing He had provided.  His hand was showing the way.  What confidence, affirmation and peace in doing what God has asked you to do.  Is it easy?  Not always.  Is it rewarding?  Yes, even though we may not see the reward this side of heaven.

What a great book club discussion we had on the lesson of forgiveness and persecution.  I guess I could relate to the book (not on same life threatening scale, but emotionally).  And the support and love I received from my sister chicks that night was life changing and confirming and loving.

God uses the broken, He uses those who choose to obey, and even those who resist (like I did), the rebellious.

What my birth mom is thinking, what I think, what others think really isn't bothering me as much .... I know what God has called me to do, and I trust He'll pave the way.

I then had to choose my response.  And of course, they ran the whole course of things I could do or say and what my attitude would show.  It wasn't always pretty.  Even today, I had to put myself in check visiting with my social worker and sharing with her I can't waste any more energy or time trying to "figure her out" and figure out her motives.  I may never know and in the end it doesn't really matter.  I'm trusting God to the details.

And how I chose to respond, thank you for the sweet card.  I really appreciate it.  That was it.  I will not go back to how things were and continue in the pattern.  Change your response and it demands the other person changes theirs too in some way.  You may not always see it outwardly, but inward they too have to change.

How can you change your response in a situation? My change has freed me.  My heart feels lighter.  Try it and see if yours does too.... let God handle the details.