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Mother's Day 2012

How was your Mother's Day?  I'm not a huge fan of holidays -- as we have taken them and laid out huge expectations that seem to always disappoint.  But that's the story of another blog.... :)

God showed up big time in my day and I hope He did for you too.

The day before Mother's Day I got to spend time with my mom, sister in law and my Grandma.  We attended a woman's tea that had a great speaker who encouraged us to live for today as we aren't guaranteed anymore than that.  Perfect timing as my Grandma (who is 95) was struggling in her health.  As I visited her, it broke my heart to see her deterioration.  To deteriorate and know it seems worse than my Grandpa who was deteriorating, but with Alzheimer's didn't really know it.  So, this made me very sad and very thankful to have a family that lives with no regrets and if God called her home, we were as ready as you can be.  I love my Grandma, her sense of humor, her wisdom on life, her humility that says she hasn't even figured life out and most of all I love her faithful prayer life for her children and grandchildren and great grandchildren.

That day when other things seemed bleak, you would mention my cousins or my children --- her face would light up.  I pray for that type of love in my own life -- such a testimony -- even when you don't feel good or I get to be 95.

Then we spent the evening with my mom -- and loved watching her face light up as we gave her a Kindle.  She was so very excited and it's always fun making memories together as a family.

I had a rough time leaving that night.  It's hard to live away -- even though it's a bit over an hour away -- you can't just pop in to see things.  It resets your priorities.  I'm not sure why it has to take these kinds of things to refocus you, but it seems that's true. Maybe I should work on that.

My heart was a bit broken........

Earlier in the week, I had sent my birth mom an email -- God had been leading me to open my heart a bit, and let her see a glimpse and also share some words with her.  This scares me, and I guess always will.

Her response on Mother's Day..... no response to my words I sent to her, but a simple Happy Mother's Day email.

My heart was a bit more broken........

The kids woke up.  They had each made me a gift.  Hunter painted me a beautiful picture of rocks at the ocean.  (The beach is my favorite!!!) Truly a gift, I love how they share their love.  And then came Lindsay's letter.

Tonya: 

Caring, hardworking, loving, helpful

Mother of Lindsay, Hunter, Jeff

Lover of family, polar bears & dark chocolate

Who feels happy, loved & peaceful

Who needs nothing

Who gives kisses, love & faith

Who fears losing her children, illness & family dying

Who would like to see her kids not fighting, a clean house & people become Christians

Resident of Beaverton, OR

Mosher

Wow.  Wow. It was as though it was a love letter from my God as well.  He saw my needs, my hurts, and allowed my kids and husband to love on me and affirm me.  I don't think you could ask for a better gift.  

It is my saying for the week:

Life is hard -- God is faithful

What an awesome God to see my broken heart and know just how to mend it.  He understands, He hurts with me, He misses nothing.  Truly blessed.  Truly blessed.  

Tax season 2011 DONE

I made it!  Conquered another tax season!  I think I need to celebrate...

Opportunities!!

Today was a bit of a rough milestone for me.  You know the one, the one where you have to say NO.  Does anyone else struggle with this?  I sure do.  I'm not sure where it comes from and why I think that I can be Wonder Woman -- but I sure think I can.

I got a GREAT opportunity for a new client.  Huge challenge, new software, great people, steady work.  Sounds great, right?  It is.  But I had to turn them down. Life isn't as easy as saying yes or no to things.  I wrestled with it in my mind all weekend -- how I can fit it in, what great experience it is, what will it look like.

I realized a few things.
   1.  I'm already busy enough.
   2.  My kids are getting older and I don't want to miss out on anything
   3.  What if I can't give them my best because my best is divided so much?

Balance is something I'm working on.  So because of maintaining a proper balance, I had to say no.  Balance is something I struggle with everyday and am trying to incorporate.  (My next step is in exercise -- so keep me accountable). But balance in your life brings about peace and great relationships.

But saying no in a way that means not right now --- saying no in a way that tells them that since I care and want great things for them, I'm saying not right now.  And saying no in a way that still leaves the door open for the future.

While in business, doors always need to stay open. And as a business owner, always looking for great opportunities is what I do.  Keeping relationships that will allow you to possibly work together again in the future and allow for even greater things.  This gets my adrenalin going and I get excited about what COULD be coming.  You just never know and that excites me..

Today was a milestone -- you can either worry or you can trust -- but you can't do both.  (From church yesterday).  So, I'm going to trust.

Relaxing isn't for wimps...

I have a whole week to relax (well, kind of). I had great high hopes of doing nothing, but I'm not good at this.  It's hard for me.  My mind thinks of all these things I could do and should do.  In this short time, I've learned that Hunter has the same personality as me.... go, go, go -- task list DONE!  When I think of relaxing, I think of sleeping.. Maybe this problem isn't new as I had a class in college, and part of the homework was to visit the "relaxation lab" -- guess what I always did -- SLEPT through my time!  Ha! The teacher always wrote on my paper, that I needed to find a way to relax -- that sleeping wasn't the answer.

I think I can learn some lessons from Garth & Lindsay -- that life CAN pass me by and I can sit back and relax... they are good at this.  They don't care if they miss things or miss out, they care more about quality time  with each other -- while Hunter & I fly by from our latest adventure....

How do you relax?  Do you just sit? Do you do something fun for yourself?  What do you call relaxing?

I'm reading my book club book (which is fantastically maddening), watching kids swim, playing volleyball and teaching the kids to play, feeding hungry kids.  Today I braved the American Girl store!  (This was NOT relaxing...just sayin...)

I'm trying to relax and will continue to work at it.. I've heard your body needs a break.

Community

I'm loving where we are at in our life.  We are "settled" (well as settled as I will ever be) in our neighborhood, home, schools, etc... we have "roots".

I love that you go for a walk and see people you know, you show up to the kids events and make new friends who become true, good friends.

Community is important.  Making friends even more important, making a difference in someone's life who may in turn make a difference in yours.

Community provides safe havens for kids, kids who are hurting, have difficult lives.  Community can be there to give a kid a chance.  A chance to be accepted, excel and be loved.  I think of this as Hunter has a very difficult boy on his swim team  -- that the coaches are willing to provide this boy something positive in his life as his parents are in prison and has gone through hell.  What if this team turns things around in his life?  Or he looks back and realizes it was a safe place, a turning moment?

When Jesus talks about investing in others it's like the man who spread seeds --- some took and grew, some needed more fertilizer, some didn't take at all.  But some may take a long time to grow.  (my own paraphrase, please excuse).  We don't know what seeds will take and what won't -- but none go wasted.

I'm proud to say we live in Aloha --- a community that really does invest in our youth.  INVESTING is a word that I've been thinking of lately (as we keep passing out cash for things), that we truly are making an investment in our kids for their future and someday they invest into their community.  It's a long term investment with immediate dividends.

I'm sad this is our last youth cheer event for the year -- I've come to love my cheer peeps (from coaches & mentors, to all the girls and of course my bestest mom peeps). And it's been such a great positive experience for Lindsay.

How can you invest in your community?  Be a seed planter!

Change your Response

I haven't updated this in awhile, I'm sorry.  It's been a month of ups and downs in my personal life and hasn't felt like the right time to tell the "world".  But I think I'm ready -- plus I have to get this stuff down on paper if I ever get to write a book about it!

As a lot of you know, I've been corresponding with my birth mother for the past 2 years.  I won't bore you with the story here as it's many, many pages.  But in October, all communication ceased.  I pushed her too far in the relationship, and she retreated.  I made a choice then, I wouldn't chase.  During this period of time, my social worker gave me some loving, difficult words.  Words I didn't want to face, words that hurt but were true.  This whole relationship was one sided.  It wasn't a true, right relationship.  I remained silent.

January 1st comes, I feel led to contact my birth siblings.  I did expecting a response --- silence, nothing.

Sometimes silence hurts more than words, right?

I then made up my mind (did you see the word my?) that I would not continue to go where I'm not wanted.  It's painful, it hurts, it's lonely.  I'm DONE.  D-O-N-E. I shared that in my prayer time to God, I'm D-O-N-E.  But in the back of my mind (not my heart), I knew I couldn't be done.  But allowed myself to "shelve it".  To not dwell on it, to not think about it, but to lay it to rest of now.

I'm about 3 weeks into my little "shelving process".  We are reading this book for book club that is a true story of about severe persecution in the US.  And that this family continued to live somewhere where someone didn't want them and made their lives miserable.  I found myself praying for this family -- what faith they had to remain to stay where they weren't wanted.  I prayed this as I read this book.  And also thinking I couldn't really relate to this.

Monday, Feb 13th -- having prayer time in the shower (yes, I do this alot -- it's rare solitude), I prayed for this family again and I felt the Lord telling me -- Yes, that's right.  They went where they weren't wanted and I'm telling you to do the same.  Persevere, continue on.  I nicely (NOT) reminded Him I was taking a break, I couldn't continue to go where I was not wanted.  It's painful all the way to your toes.  (That's a subject for another blog - not being wanted).

All day I couldn't get this out of my mind and really struggled with this -- I told God no repeatedly.

I checked the mail after getting the kids from school ----- guess what was in the mail?  THE sweetest card from my birth mom.  I had a colored rubber band ball of emotions.  Anger, sad, happy, hopeful, disgusted.

And finally, peace with God in knowing He had provided.  His hand was showing the way.  What confidence, affirmation and peace in doing what God has asked you to do.  Is it easy?  Not always.  Is it rewarding?  Yes, even though we may not see the reward this side of heaven.

What a great book club discussion we had on the lesson of forgiveness and persecution.  I guess I could relate to the book (not on same life threatening scale, but emotionally).  And the support and love I received from my sister chicks that night was life changing and confirming and loving.

God uses the broken, He uses those who choose to obey, and even those who resist (like I did), the rebellious.

What my birth mom is thinking, what I think, what others think really isn't bothering me as much .... I know what God has called me to do, and I trust He'll pave the way.

I then had to choose my response.  And of course, they ran the whole course of things I could do or say and what my attitude would show.  It wasn't always pretty.  Even today, I had to put myself in check visiting with my social worker and sharing with her I can't waste any more energy or time trying to "figure her out" and figure out her motives.  I may never know and in the end it doesn't really matter.  I'm trusting God to the details.

And how I chose to respond, thank you for the sweet card.  I really appreciate it.  That was it.  I will not go back to how things were and continue in the pattern.  Change your response and it demands the other person changes theirs too in some way.  You may not always see it outwardly, but inward they too have to change.

How can you change your response in a situation? My change has freed me.  My heart feels lighter.  Try it and see if yours does too.... let God handle the details.