Desires

I was "listening" to a movie while working.  I overheard the 5 words. 5 words that speak to my heart.

"I WANT TO KNOW YOU"

Ouch! Those words strike right to my inner heart.  How I long (unrealistically) for my birth parent, who gave birth to me to say/show those words.

If we were honest, we all would say that we desire someone to "truly" know us.  When taking a poll of women in a study, the most common struggle of women is loneliness.  Desiring relationships, close relationships of those we love.  The people that we want to "get" us.

This then make me think about Jesus.  Oh, how He desires for us to know Him.  I need a change of heart.  I think maybe the hole in my heart of wanting others to know me can be mended by my getting to know my Heavenly Father more and more every day.

Jeremiah 29:13 says "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with ALL your heart."
That sounds easier, safer to my heart and brain than hoping that this 1 person will ever want to know me.  This is more secure, better for me, the exact medicine my heart needs.  If I know this, why is it hard to have this mindset?  This is a guarantee, a promise.  This is healthy, because He already knows me and loves everything about me (shocking I know).

What I've come to discover, knowing God doesn't just happen, it requires action.  I'm ready to take more action, to seek Him out in all things, even my deepest, darkest desires and needs.  Because when He fills them, they are healed.  And stronger than ever before.  When we take it upon ourselves to fill these desires, at the end of the day, they are still there.  I want them filled by Him and for Him.

Bottom line....He will never reject me. And that sounds safer than safe to me.

FDR/Washington DC

Life has been a whirlwind since I got home from DC.  I wanted to post while there, but with meetings all day and then meeting at night, wasn't much time -- plus didn't have access to all my pictures.

I really enjoyed it there. I'm not much of a history buff I would say --- but having a fantastic tour guide that takes you back to the day and gives you the information, and you see the places and hear the stories -- how can you not like history?

Besides my conference (which I'll write about at a later date), we spent the rest of the hours soaking in as much as we could possibly soak in.  Plus -- everywhere you go is like going through an airport security.  And when you wore layers of clothes, it was a bit time "sensitive" to sight see.

If I had to pick a favorite, my favorite would be the FDR monument.  For several reasons:

• He faced physical adversities
• His wife was extremely talented and involved
• The monument was very discreet, because he didn't want a monument larger than his casket.  Very humble.  So the monument is not visible from the street nor the road, very private. 
• The monument was made in time with his terms, each walk through section aligned with things that were said/occurred during that time period.
• He led through a horrible depression.
• 
  

This reminded me of the movie Kitt Kittredge, lined up at soup kitchen

This was a section, with the inscription I hate war on all kinds of rocks. 

What a great saying for our kids today!!

She was the 1st United States Delegate to the United Nations.  Go girl power!

The Martin Luther King Memorial I enjoyed as well.  I liked how all the imagery matched and correlated to history, earlier leaders.  Every little detail was thought of and designed.

This monument is missing something. Can you see it?
It is not "plated" with metal.  The idea that his work here is
still continuing on!  It's not done.

This monument had a LOT of sayings -- from his speeches that he gave. 

This would have been right where he stood to give the I Have a Dream speech.  It was overwhelming to think 

of all the thousands and thousands of people that stood here.... #Amazinginspiring

Just a glimpse into the history and our trip to the conference.

The BEST find of the trip.... all national monuments, including white house and capital have been designed in the shape of a "t".  What does the "t" stand for?  A cross!  One nation, Under God, indivisible with liberty and justice for all! 

Facing Fear

This past week of our Stuck Bible Study was on "Scared".  I didn't really think I could relate to this, as I don't scare too easily -- but turns out it was talking more about anxiety, worry. (At least to me)

From Matthew 6:25-34: (Read it if you want to).  It's about not worrying about tomorrow, and how Jesus meets even the needs of the birds and the growth of the lilies. Why wouldn't He meet your needs?

Worry immobilizes you, concern moves to action.  You see, concern is ok as it motivates you to a change, however if you ignore that concern, it then becomes worry.  Or for some of us, we blow right by concern and just worry... worry does not solve the issue.  Worry just:

• Damages your health
• Consumes your thoughts
• Disrupts productivity
• Negatively impacts how you treat others
• Reduces ability to trust God

God does not ignore those who depend on Him. 

Verse 33 in that chapter became alive to me in a new way. It basically said to me -- there are REAL challenges God wants us to pursue, worrying keeps us FROM them.  OUCH! 

Isaiah 55:8-9

For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways.. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.  

I was thinking about this verse and reflecting on it as a friend of mine received bad news last week.  In fact, news I think you and I would consider the worst news of our lives.  Have you ever heard, if that happened to me, I just don't know what I'd do?  I wouldn't be able to handle it.  This comment bugs me.  I'm being honest, it really does bug me.  It didn't used to, but it does now.  

Martin Luther King

All growing up I had this fear, this phobia of rejection.  It was one of those "ridiculous, out of perspective" fears.  I would think looking back that it was centered on being adopted.  When you are a kid (or some adults) you are self centered and can't see other perspectives easily.  But I was terrified of not being good enough, not doing the right things, not having friends. The list goes on and on. So, when God specifically called me to find my birth mom, we had a little chat about this rejection.  I told Him then that I wouldn't be able to handle the rejection if she did respond in this way and asked Him to guarantee that wouldn't happen if I obeyed.  Seriously, looking back at my blogging during this time, I wrote about it over and over.  I would crumble, I would be depressed, I'd need serious help, etc... It was my WORST fear.  Even over losing those I love.  I know, I'm mental.  I'm ok with it. 

So, February 1st comes around.  I answer the phone like I would any other day. In the middle of work, filing, going about my business, and it's my social worker.  In about 30 seconds of news, you receive the news you've always wondered about your ENTIRE life, and then it comes out that she can't have anything to do with you.  #REJECTION. 

But, in less than a second, I looked around -- I was STILL STANDING, my kids were still laughing in the next room with friends and life was going to be okay.  This strength/courage comes from knowing His ways are higher than my ways.  His thoughts are higher than My thoughts.  He helped me face my worst life fear.  We were going to be fine.  There was no crawling in a hole, putting the covers over my head, not facing tomorrow.  

And just like my friend last week, she's still standing, still moving, still getting up every day.  She too is trusting His ways are higher than my ways.  It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and you aren't scared.  It means Jesus will be with me EVERY moment of EVERY day because He promises us that. And with that, I can face the next 5 minutes.... and once I do that, the next 5.  

So, when you think about facing your worst fear or receiving awful scary news, remember His ways are not my ways.  He has a plan that we can't see fully today, but will reveal to us moment by moment.  And you too will be standing.  And I think one of the greatest testimonies we can have in times of trial. 

I've always told the kids, the only thing you CAN control in life is your response.  Life will throw you all kids of curve balls, but we can control HOW we respond.  I'd like my response to be I'm still standing (or on my knees praying I trust His ways)