A week ago I had a terrible dream. I don't usually mind bad dreams because most of the time it doesn't add up and you know it wouldn't happen like that -- but this one was so realistic I wasn't sure if it was true or not when I woke up. It sets you up for a bad day. For me a bad dream is loss. Losing someone you love and not getting to say goodbye.
It's dreams like these that can make it hard to go to sleep. And sometimes I am afraid to close my eyes because I don't know what the night will bring. I dream a lot. And typically I can remember them.. good or bad. I'm not sure why God made me this way but I conquer all kinds of things in my dreams. From ridiculous to wishes....
Ever since I've started the journey of finding/knowing my birth mom, at least once a week I've had dreams of her. Almost always, it's about meeting her the first time. The majority of the time this dream has literally been a "dream". Some type of circumstance in it SO would not happen. EVERY dream has been me flying on a plane there. Sometimes I show up at the door, at work, at a family event, sometimes my social worker is with me. Never is my husband with me nor my children or my parents. I'm always alone.
Never has she been happy to see me. Several times she has embraced me, but then made me pretend to be a "friend" so no one will know. I guess this is because this is how it is in real life. She has "embraced" me in her own way, but shared it with no one - especially with the siblings that matter the most to both of us. I have dreamed that I show up at the door, she steps outside to talk with me and explains that no one is to know who I am.
This week was different. Completely different. This week I had a dream that COULD happen and was realistic. Again, I flew there. I met my social worker at the airport. She met with me before we were to meet Jean at a restaurant. We then met Jean at a restaurant and began conversing, guarded, cautious. Not overly friendly, nor emotional but two wounded souls trying, attempting, actually having a conversation and making some progress. Later in this meeting, both children met us and were told about me. All of us together. And did this go well?
No, not like a movie. They were upset, stunned, guarded. Protective of their mom. Reasonable? Yes. Hopeful of a good outcome? Yes. Did they embrace me in the 1st meeting? No, not totally. I wouldn't expect that. Although if you asked me a few years ago, I would have said yes, I expect it. I've been working on realistic expectations, it's a painful process.
Did it all wrap up in a nice neat package? No. Does it in real life? No. Unfortunately... cause I love neat packages. :) And I don't like loose end relationships, not knowing where you stand with people. But I'm learning, trusting in God's plan B or even plan Z or FFF.
But I woke up with a sense of renewal. All the other dreams had had the same theme, this one was completely different. This had hope. This wasn't some crazy Tonya Mosher antics.
Leads me back to Christ. He is lining the path. His timing. His ways I want to be my ways. I'm ready to face what's next.
And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6
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