Dreams -- UPS and DOWNS

A week ago I had a terrible dream.  I don't usually mind bad dreams because most of the time it doesn't add up and you know it wouldn't happen like that  -- but this one was so realistic I wasn't sure if it was true or not when I woke up.  It sets you up for a bad day.  For me a bad dream is loss.  Losing someone you love and not getting to say goodbye.

It's dreams like these that can make it hard to go to sleep.  And sometimes I am afraid to close my eyes because I don't know what the night will bring. I dream a lot. And typically I can remember them.. good or bad. I'm not sure why God made me this way but I conquer all kinds of things in my dreams. From ridiculous to wishes....

Ever since I've started the journey of finding/knowing my birth mom, at least once a week I've had dreams of her.  Almost always, it's about meeting her the first time.  The majority of the time this dream has literally been a "dream".  Some type of circumstance in it SO would not happen.  EVERY dream has been me flying on a plane there.  Sometimes I show up at the door, at work, at a family event, sometimes my social worker is with me.  Never is my husband with me nor my children or my parents. I'm always alone.

Never has she been happy to see me.  Several times she has embraced me, but then made me pretend to be a "friend" so no one will know. I guess this is because this is how it is in real life.  She has "embraced" me in her own way, but shared it with no one - especially with the siblings that matter the most to both of us. I have dreamed that I show up at the door, she steps outside to talk with me and explains that no one is to know who I am.

This week was different.  Completely different.  This week I had a dream that COULD happen and was realistic.  Again, I flew there.  I met my social worker at the airport.  She met with me before we were to meet Jean at a restaurant.  We then met Jean at a restaurant and began conversing, guarded, cautious. Not overly friendly, nor emotional but two wounded souls trying, attempting, actually having a conversation and making some progress.  Later in this meeting, both children met us and were told about me.  All of us together. And did this go well?

No, not like a movie.  They were upset, stunned, guarded.  Protective of their mom.  Reasonable? Yes. Hopeful of a good outcome? Yes.  Did they embrace me in the 1st meeting? No, not totally.  I wouldn't expect that. Although if you asked me a few years ago, I would have said yes, I expect it. I've been working on realistic expectations, it's a painful process.

Did it all wrap up in a nice neat package? No. Does it in real life? No. Unfortunately... cause I love neat packages.  :) And I don't like loose end relationships, not knowing where you stand with people. But I'm learning, trusting in God's plan B or even plan Z or FFF.

But I woke up with a sense of renewal.  All the other dreams had had the same theme, this one was completely different.  This had hope. This wasn't some crazy Tonya Mosher antics.

Leads me back to Christ. He is lining the path. His timing. His ways I want to be my ways. I'm ready to face what's next.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6

Google ROCKS

Sunday night, it's family time at the Mosher's.  I've implemented at 7:00 pm -- all other activities cease, computers are off, face time is done for the day.  At this stage of life -- our kids are into all kinds of things that don't really involve all 4 of us.

7:00 pm.  AFV comes on.  I love to laugh and I think family time should be full of laughter.  So we sit down to watch it together.  And many times, this leads to conversations and fun memories.

However, last Sunday night.  I sat at the end of the couch, not feeling great instead of the middle like I normally do to keep the peace.. (at this stage -- there is also a lot of fighting amongst 2 children in this house...). So AFV family time wasn't going so great.  I threatened to end it.  Can you picture this? Does it happen to you too? I sure hope I'm not alone in these not so lovely moments... Lindsay is now yelling at Hunter..........................

I look over at Hunter looking at his ipad (which is forbidden by the way, but by now I don't really care since it isn't going so great) and I hear him say -- When you yell, I feel hurt by that.  Then reading his ipad, says I love you, I want a relationship with you. It hurts my feelings when you act like this.  He then raises his hand, because he reads and says it will help the person lower their voice.

You see -- he had googled what to do when someone yells at you.... genius!  Google is now helping with relationship issues at the Mosher house.  How innovative is that? I was quite impressed with this.  I probably would have been a bit more impressed as would Lindsay if he wasn't "reading" it from the ipad.

I'd like to tell you that this helped and we enjoyed the rest of our AFV family time.  It didn't.  Because then she had to google what to do with an annoying brother that farts -- it wasn't pretty. In fact, AFV ended early that night with 2 kids having to go to bed early.

Later, I thought how much he truly cares about making the relationship work with his sister and that the yelling really upsets him -- how much do I try to make relationships work in my own life?  Do I try hard? What are some tools I can use to make things better?  What do you do to make it better?  It made me think this week about ways I can make those around me know that they matter and I care about our relationship.

I may have to google some new ideas this week.... how about you? And just a hint...try to memorize it, not read it from your tablet!  It may go over better! :)

Desires

I was "listening" to a movie while working.  I overheard the 5 words. 5 words that speak to my heart.

"I WANT TO KNOW YOU"

Ouch! Those words strike right to my inner heart.  How I long (unrealistically) for my birth parent, who gave birth to me to say/show those words.

If we were honest, we all would say that we desire someone to "truly" know us.  When taking a poll of women in a study, the most common struggle of women is loneliness.  Desiring relationships, close relationships of those we love.  The people that we want to "get" us.

This then make me think about Jesus.  Oh, how He desires for us to know Him.  I need a change of heart.  I think maybe the hole in my heart of wanting others to know me can be mended by my getting to know my Heavenly Father more and more every day.

Jeremiah 29:13 says "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with ALL your heart."
That sounds easier, safer to my heart and brain than hoping that this 1 person will ever want to know me.  This is more secure, better for me, the exact medicine my heart needs.  If I know this, why is it hard to have this mindset?  This is a guarantee, a promise.  This is healthy, because He already knows me and loves everything about me (shocking I know).

What I've come to discover, knowing God doesn't just happen, it requires action.  I'm ready to take more action, to seek Him out in all things, even my deepest, darkest desires and needs.  Because when He fills them, they are healed.  And stronger than ever before.  When we take it upon ourselves to fill these desires, at the end of the day, they are still there.  I want them filled by Him and for Him.

Bottom line....He will never reject me. And that sounds safer than safe to me.

FDR/Washington DC

Life has been a whirlwind since I got home from DC.  I wanted to post while there, but with meetings all day and then meeting at night, wasn't much time -- plus didn't have access to all my pictures.

I really enjoyed it there. I'm not much of a history buff I would say --- but having a fantastic tour guide that takes you back to the day and gives you the information, and you see the places and hear the stories -- how can you not like history?

Besides my conference (which I'll write about at a later date), we spent the rest of the hours soaking in as much as we could possibly soak in.  Plus -- everywhere you go is like going through an airport security.  And when you wore layers of clothes, it was a bit time "sensitive" to sight see.

If I had to pick a favorite, my favorite would be the FDR monument.  For several reasons:

• He faced physical adversities
• His wife was extremely talented and involved
• The monument was very discreet, because he didn't want a monument larger than his casket.  Very humble.  So the monument is not visible from the street nor the road, very private. 
• The monument was made in time with his terms, each walk through section aligned with things that were said/occurred during that time period.
• He led through a horrible depression.
• 
  

This reminded me of the movie Kitt Kittredge, lined up at soup kitchen

This was a section, with the inscription I hate war on all kinds of rocks. 

What a great saying for our kids today!!

She was the 1st United States Delegate to the United Nations.  Go girl power!

The Martin Luther King Memorial I enjoyed as well.  I liked how all the imagery matched and correlated to history, earlier leaders.  Every little detail was thought of and designed.

This monument is missing something. Can you see it?
It is not "plated" with metal.  The idea that his work here is
still continuing on!  It's not done.

This monument had a LOT of sayings -- from his speeches that he gave. 

This would have been right where he stood to give the I Have a Dream speech.  It was overwhelming to think 

of all the thousands and thousands of people that stood here.... #Amazinginspiring

Just a glimpse into the history and our trip to the conference.

The BEST find of the trip.... all national monuments, including white house and capital have been designed in the shape of a "t".  What does the "t" stand for?  A cross!  One nation, Under God, indivisible with liberty and justice for all! 

Facing Fear

This past week of our Stuck Bible Study was on "Scared".  I didn't really think I could relate to this, as I don't scare too easily -- but turns out it was talking more about anxiety, worry. (At least to me)

From Matthew 6:25-34: (Read it if you want to).  It's about not worrying about tomorrow, and how Jesus meets even the needs of the birds and the growth of the lilies. Why wouldn't He meet your needs?

Worry immobilizes you, concern moves to action.  You see, concern is ok as it motivates you to a change, however if you ignore that concern, it then becomes worry.  Or for some of us, we blow right by concern and just worry... worry does not solve the issue.  Worry just:

• Damages your health
• Consumes your thoughts
• Disrupts productivity
• Negatively impacts how you treat others
• Reduces ability to trust God

God does not ignore those who depend on Him. 

Verse 33 in that chapter became alive to me in a new way. It basically said to me -- there are REAL challenges God wants us to pursue, worrying keeps us FROM them.  OUCH! 

Isaiah 55:8-9

For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways.. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.  

I was thinking about this verse and reflecting on it as a friend of mine received bad news last week.  In fact, news I think you and I would consider the worst news of our lives.  Have you ever heard, if that happened to me, I just don't know what I'd do?  I wouldn't be able to handle it.  This comment bugs me.  I'm being honest, it really does bug me.  It didn't used to, but it does now.  

Martin Luther King

All growing up I had this fear, this phobia of rejection.  It was one of those "ridiculous, out of perspective" fears.  I would think looking back that it was centered on being adopted.  When you are a kid (or some adults) you are self centered and can't see other perspectives easily.  But I was terrified of not being good enough, not doing the right things, not having friends. The list goes on and on. So, when God specifically called me to find my birth mom, we had a little chat about this rejection.  I told Him then that I wouldn't be able to handle the rejection if she did respond in this way and asked Him to guarantee that wouldn't happen if I obeyed.  Seriously, looking back at my blogging during this time, I wrote about it over and over.  I would crumble, I would be depressed, I'd need serious help, etc... It was my WORST fear.  Even over losing those I love.  I know, I'm mental.  I'm ok with it. 

So, February 1st comes around.  I answer the phone like I would any other day. In the middle of work, filing, going about my business, and it's my social worker.  In about 30 seconds of news, you receive the news you've always wondered about your ENTIRE life, and then it comes out that she can't have anything to do with you.  #REJECTION. 

But, in less than a second, I looked around -- I was STILL STANDING, my kids were still laughing in the next room with friends and life was going to be okay.  This strength/courage comes from knowing His ways are higher than my ways.  His thoughts are higher than My thoughts.  He helped me face my worst life fear.  We were going to be fine.  There was no crawling in a hole, putting the covers over my head, not facing tomorrow.  

And just like my friend last week, she's still standing, still moving, still getting up every day.  She too is trusting His ways are higher than my ways.  It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and you aren't scared.  It means Jesus will be with me EVERY moment of EVERY day because He promises us that. And with that, I can face the next 5 minutes.... and once I do that, the next 5.  

So, when you think about facing your worst fear or receiving awful scary news, remember His ways are not my ways.  He has a plan that we can't see fully today, but will reveal to us moment by moment.  And you too will be standing.  And I think one of the greatest testimonies we can have in times of trial. 

I've always told the kids, the only thing you CAN control in life is your response.  Life will throw you all kids of curve balls, but we can control HOW we respond.  I'd like my response to be I'm still standing (or on my knees praying I trust His ways)

February 1

Has your life ever changed by checking the mail or by a phone call? Tomorrow marks the 3 year anniversary of one of those calls.



FEBURARY 1st, 2010

The phone rings at 10:54 am on a Monday morning. The kids have friends over in the next room. Hi, this is Beverly, your social worker and I have found your birth mother…… blow me over! Really? Is this real? It took me 20 minutes to find her. She married your birth father, sad news is he died in 2002 at the age of 53. It was a sudden illness. You have 2 full siblings.

And the sad news, at this time she wants no contact. She has loved you every day. And thought of you every day and hoped you have had a good life.

Wow! How do you respond to this? After crying hysterically for a few minutes (I think I would have cried either way). I realized this -----

• 1. I’m still standing and this isn’t destroying me. The kids are playing in the next room, I’m going to be okay. I had had dreams that I wouldn’t be able to handle non contact and feel rejected, not even want to get out of bed – but I really was okay.
• 2. I need to respond with grace and time. Grace to her – knowing she has just basically gotten a cold call and I’ve been on a journey leading to this day. She needs grace to work through all that she’s been told as well. God’s grace is greater than mine. 

This was probably the biggest news I had received in my life. I had spent hours upon hours dreaming of this woman ---- good and bad. God has/had specifically called me to do this. I may blog about the other miracles that have occurred around this time, now that some time and healing have passed. Because they truly are miracles/confirmations that this was what He had asked of me.


I would love to tell you that this has all worked out awesome. But it would be a lie. It has been the largest challenge of my faith that I've ever had. So many life lessons, frustration, hurt, sad, anger, hopeful,crushed. Like the ups and downs of a roller coaster ride.


One of the big lessons for me is that I can't control situations or responses (or lack there of) BUT I can always choose my RESPONSE.


Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6. Resting in this promise.

It's been awhile, yes it's about a dog!

Geez.  Time flies.  It's been months since I've written an update.  It doesn't feel that long, yet it really has been. I've had lots of ideas of things to write about, but never a convenient time to do it.

I cracked up throughout the movie of Marley & me.  I thought, how can you write an article about a dog and your adventures all the time?  Well, I took my brother's dog Mia for a walk camping a few weeks ago.  And I was immediately full of ideas for a blog post.  Funny, huh?  Dogs seem to remind you of life lessons...

1. She was excited to meet new people.  No judgements made on appearance, smell -- she wanted to meet everyone.  I try hard to have a smile on my face and to welcome new faces.  But without licking them. I enjoy meeting new people and making new contacts.  Bringing people together. 
2. No matter how much leash you gave her, she wanted more.  This was the biggest lesson I still continue to think about.  
1. There are those in my life that are comfortable with the amount of leash given, they live within their means.  Their lives are steady, within reason, don't mind the leash. 
2. Then there is me --- I'm Mia.  I feel like I'm constantly battling that leash line. For good things and bad.  For example: 
1. I constantly look for new opportunities.  New things to challenge myself, to grow, to make improvements. I view this as positive.  
2. But many days I feel like I'm at the end of my leash --- because I push it.  Constantly "bettering" things, people, myself. 
3. I need to learn to live within boundaries a bit more. Boundaries of not choking myself with the leash. 
4. Thankful my husband is one that is comfortable with the amount of leash given, as we balance each other out.
3. Mia continually was caught up in her leash.  This slowed her down from her goals.  All she could see is what was up ahead, not the hazards around her that got her tangled. Sometimes we need to stop and think through things.  Pause... regroup.... tweak things. 
4. Mia seemed to find every gross thing and check it out.  I seem to find all kinds of ways to waste time in "crap". My nosy nose helps me waste too many hours. 
3. When the walk was over, she was tired out.  She rested.  I'm trying to learn how to build in rest to my life as well. This is hard for me.  I like to push the leash, to see if I can literally break free.