Limitless

Undaunted means not intimidated or discouraged by difficulties, danger or disappointment.

Are you living life undaunted? I'm in the middle of a great study by Christine Caine (http://christinecaine.com).  Really looking at my life and realizing that I don't trust as much as I should.

Do you limit yourself? Do you limit others around you? What about what God can do in your life if you let Him truly in?  I do.  In a lot of ways.  I'm tired of it.

I tell myself - I don't have time to add one more thing, do I really have time for that thing or is that something that is worthy of my time? All kinds of questions that keep me down in my rut and running as usual.  I'm done.

One of my family's favorite movies is We Bought a Zoo.  (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1389137/)
This is a great movie that shows the choices you can take when tragedy strikes.  It's inspiring to watch someone take a great risk and take their hurt and pain and invest it. There are 2 lines in that movie that I'm trying to incorporate in my life......

• Benjamin Mee: You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.
• Katherine Mee: Why not?

Have you done something that takes insane courage? I would like to say that I have.... and I would like to live my life being willing to take risks and being open to what God is asking of me.  And ask myself - why not? What do I have to lose? 

This study is encouraging you to do something for God.  So many of us say what can I do?  I'm just 1 person and I only have this much time and this much influence.  My answer to this is -- you touch and help change 1 person's life, they then help someone else or even 5 people, then they reach out to others.  It's exponential.  It's unstoppable.  It's Ephesians 3:20.  Obeying God's calling has NO LIMITS.  

I know what my next step is and I know it's huge and it's going to impact.  Are there obstacles?  Yes.  Does it feel overwhelming?  Yes, because it's bigger than myself.  And when doing something for God, realizing the battles are really against the flesh, not against Tonya Mosher. But I'm asking God to help me be undaunted. 

Instead of asking yourself, why?  Ask why not? Just 20 seconds of insane courage!! You can endure anything for 20 seconds!!! 

Waiting to hear your stories.........

God's up to big stuff

S.T.R.E.S.S. --- in my own life that means that God is up to something good and there is resistance against it.

For awhile I have felt discontent.  I think the "moving" time of the 7 study really made me look at things differently in my life.  It pointed out areas of my life that aren't quite inline.  We then took a very good vacation, and came back to reality where life just hasn't felt like it's back together.  And I don't think God wants it to go back together.  Do you ever get that feeling?

A few weeks ago I started reading and studying the book Undaunted by Christine Caine.  It's a pretty intense study - the first week was taking segments of your life, listing something tragic or rough that happened (childhood, teen, young adult, etc) and asking how you dealt with it, how you saw God and lessons learned.  No one else in our group liked the section.  I wouldn't say I liked it --- but when forced to go back in time -- it was super cool to see the pattern of growth.  A feeling like - yes, I am making progress in my faith -- but still feeling this lack of contentment yet trying to tell myself that when life gets hard, I'm growing.

But - once again - struggling with issues with my bio mom.  I'm tired of these struggles - God is continuing to work in me in this area and I am making progress --- but I'm weary of the thoughts and weary of the situation.  Church this weekend kind of nailed it - the question was asked -- are you only fighting your battle or are you winning? Identify the battle (that's the hard part for me - what is it I'm bothered about other than just being literally bothered and this takes time dwelling in it which I'm not a fan of) and CRY it out to God.  Speak it. Identify it. CRY it out. REVEALING the FEELING is the beginning of HEALING.

Ephesians 3:20 says through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish INFINITELY MORE than we might ask or think.  Yes please.  Realizing our power fades over time when God's power increases over time.  I'm weary of this - God please take it from me.  I then asked for prayer in this situation.  Step one - spoke it.

Sunday night as we said goodbye to our company and I had a few minutes to sit on my bed before head hitting the pillow --- my dear friend from Tucson wrote on my FB (jokingly) let's go to this conference in Austin, TX.  I texted her immediately and said I'm in.  Let's go.  I then asked -- Now --- what's this conference about?  It has my favorite bible study teachers --- and the theme is God working in greater ways.  Greater than you could ever imagine.  We begin to plan our scheme.

Tuesday morning rolls around to register for the conference. This is how the day has gone:

•  I wake up to ants in the kitchen (we've never had ants in the house in the 12 years we've lived here) and yes I'm itching for no reason at all
•  then have difficulties registering (website crashed 10 servers and had more than 38,000 hits),
• then Hunter telling me the freezer isn't cold or frozen (lost a lot of food)
• spent the afternoon cooking meat so we didn't lose it (not on my plan today) 
• having argument with Hunter that I really didn't want to have
• realizing I made a mistake on someone's payroll this week
• did my friend's registration go through or not because the system was so unstable? They charged me, but we still haven't heard she's in for sure. 

Do I think this is a coincidence? Thinking I would wake up this morning and start planning with my friend and thinking about ways God was going to work in us -- to having the day go like this. Not even being able to celebrate us going because we don't know if she's in or not.  No coincidence. God is doing a huge work in the both of us -- her family's story these past few weeks is nothing short of the miracles of God.  

We both agreed to host a monthly "table" where we bring members of the community in to our home to ask tough questions and make connections to do great things for our community and for the Lord. This is huge because 2 weeks ago in my bible study, they asked the question what would bring you the greatest joy? To me, connecting people to each other to make a difference. So when I read about hosting this group, it was like the light went off! The basis of these groups come from Acts 2:46 in opening our homes to meet together.  We are praying about who it is we are to invite.  That God appoints just the right people and does a work.  

James 1:2 says to have joy when having trials because they develop your faith.  I have joy in today because God is up to something more than awesome and these trials are because of it.  Vs. 12 talks about the reward of having withstood the test, you will receive the crown.  

I dare you --- identify your  struggle. Speak it. Cry out to Him. Let's see what happens.  Do I have all the answers? Do I feel like I've solved my adoption issues? No -- but I'm taking it to the next step. I'm going to win it instead of fight it.  Stay tuned...... 

Did I read that right?

My last post was on the purging that has been going on in the Mosher household.  It's still going on in huge ways and has become life changing.  (More on the new way of purging in a later post).

As a lot of you know, I will soon be leading a small group study on 7.  It's designed as a weekly fast from 7 things.  I feel very inadequate and unworthy in leading such a study, but it's very full of grace and for that I'm very thankful!

I watched the first 2 videos in preparation of leading this, knowing how long it will be and what it will be like. I was very convicted, as the leader - the shepherd in watching the first video.  And again felt unworthy and so small.

I read 7 while I was in Guatemala.  While we were saving money and fundraising to go.  While so many things in my life felt out of order and overwhelmed with every day life, I was reading this book on purging.  At least that was my perspective.  Nothing wrong with that, right?  Doing clean up in your daily life to allow more room for the good God would bring.

But I kind of lost my focus in the purging.  Do you ever do that?  Start something with such great intentions on doing it right, then either get lost in the details or lose focus of the larger goal?  I had even promised myself I wouldn't do that.  I would keep my eye on the prize - more time in my life for God and tasks He has for me.

So, what happened to me during my preparation was the question ---- what is your larger goal of 7?  What is God wanting to do in your life without these distractions?  And the biggie --- what are you going to do in your life each week IN PLACE of your fast?  Ouch.  I just wanted the fast, the break and play this by ear.  (For those of you in my study --- this is NOT required -- this was God speaking directly to me).

Ouch. Yuck. I don't do well with big thinking.  I began praying - thinking maybe I hadn't heard right.  Praying. Nothing. Praying.  Nothing. Maybe I'm off the hook here.  Praying. Facebook.........

A post I'm tagged in is an inspirational story.  A vlog of an accomplishment.  I ask why did you post this to me?  Response... you've got great stories to tell.

Seriously.  Some day I might be able to do something with these stories -- because they are very true works of God in my life. Someday but not now.  A lot of those things aren't complete  in my life.

I'm putzing along in the book I received for mother's day - slowly processing this idea of writing a book.  Slowly trying to even understand what the book is saying (I was given the title of this book by a great author who said it's the best).  A book where you literally read a page and have to reread it to get it. (At least that's true for me - cause I have very simplistic thought processes, no judging please. :))

Guess what's on the next page?

As you begin this journey --- the next part of the book is written for 7 weeks of writing/organizing/analyzing your thoughts into a formalized book.  You can end up with 7 chapters, an outline for it or a much clearer idea of what to do next after 7 weeks.

I rubbed my eyes.  Did that say 7?  7 weeks?  No.  I'm sure it didn't. Yes it did.

I've downloaded an app to help organize my thoughts. Heaven help me.

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February 1st AgAiN.........

Three years ago I got a phone call that has changed my life more than any other phone call.  This is Beverly, I have found your birth mother.  She wants you to know she loves you and thinks of you every day but can't have contact with you.  Unfortunately your birth father died in 2002, but you have 2 full blood siblings.
Do you have any questions?

Literally.

I had embarked on this journey starting August 12, 2009.  12:00 pm.  God called me to find her. I refused and wrestled for a few months.  In the wrestling, God won before I was too bruised and battered.  You see, if you don't let God have his way with you, it only becomes more painful.

I followed the steps.  I applied for my birth certificate, the original one.  It came and was not blocked.

I then called the post adoption agency on December 2nd, 2009.  Said I had my original birth certificate, what was next.  She faxed me a form to fill out. I faxed it back.  She explained to me that the wait is 2-5 years.  Really?  That seemed like such a long time off when I knew God had called me to do this.  But whatever, what were you going to do? She went to put it into the computer and informed me I had been waiting for 13 years for this.  What?!?! In fact, in 2 weeks I was going to be removed from the list because they had not been able to locate me.

14 years earlier, I had applied for "non-identifying" information.  Garth and I felt it was important to have information before having our kids.  At that time-- they automatically put you on a list to be "found". Which means if my birth mom or any one from my birth family wanted to contact you, they could through the social worker.  Well, at the time, I was not ready for this and had an unfortunate situation occur that sent me into a downward spiral.  So, I wrote a letter asking to be removed from that "open" list.  I got confirmation letter back saying I was taken off the list.

Well, God had already been working on this and I had no idea.  I was never removed from the list. But I didn't know this.  So, after turning in that form, I was next in line.  But what does "next" mean?  I went about my daily life and you kind of forget off and on about it.

Fast forward to February 1st ,2010.  The call came. I thought I would have a "session" with my social worker assigned to me first and know her a bit. Nope.

When I realized that --- my worse dream had come true, my birth mom rejected me and this time as an adult, in the next breath I realized I was still standing, kids were laughing in the next room, I WOULD work through this.  My second thought, was that I had to offer grace to this woman.  She literally got a cold call that uprooted her life as she knew it too.

Thus began new chapters in my life.  Chapters of ups and downs.  Chapters of learning true meaning of God's grace, frustration, defeat, my true identity is in Christ, He's the only one to fill the void.  Lots and lots
of new lessons to be learned.  Some very painful, and some very rewarding.

I would love to tell you this great story of where things are 3 years later, but I can tell you that Christ has done a work in my life and is continuing to do so.  I have no regrets, I know He called me to do this (still don't know the WHY, but that doesn't matter), I've obeyed.  I really was nieve in thinking that if you did exactly what God called you to do, you would get the outcome you dreamed of.  I've had to grieve that and realize His outcome is what I desire more than my dream of one.

And I have THE coolest social worker in the entire universe.  She has listened, encouraged, nailed me to the wall when I've needed it, loved me despite my faults.  As well as the best support team one could hope for.

Philippians 1:6
For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus

Moments...

I feel as though I'm in a time warp, but on fast forward, like the scene in the movie Click where he doesn't want to go through this or that or listen to what people have to say, so he fast forwards.  However, I'm not choosing the fast forward button, I'm looking for the pause button.

I feel like I'm in a weird stage of parenting.  When you are first a parent, you are with your kids 24/7 doing all things for them, they take up your every waking and even sleeping moments.  Then they transition to school.... and so on and so forth....

My oldest is entering high school, my youngest entering middle school.  They are functioning without me (of course I'm the taxi service, so not fully without me) and doing things with friends or even by themselves.  Today I "dropped" them off at the pool to hang with friends and left.  Yesterday one of them worked, the other was with a friend.  Life is changing.

And as much as I like change (cause I TOTALLY do), this one is hard.  Today I realized that instead of having my kids with me 24/7, I get moments.  From here on out, it's moments.  I need to make them count.  They are becoming more independent, doing their own thing, friends are becoming more priority.  I'm not complaining, just saying that the reality is I get them now for "moments".

I need to not be petty, not be so picky and enjoy the moment.  I need to soak it up, make it last, journal it, embrace it.  You think you will always remember, but you don't.  In fact, we were just looking at photo albums from about 7 years ago and I couldn't recall certain events.  And I hadn't documented them well.  I thought I would always remember, but I didn't.  Learning this lesson... today's bible study was a reminder that remember is used 150 times in the bible because it's important.  Life is not always on the mountain top, so you have to remember those moments to deal with the pain that comes.

Parenting is the most interesting job I've ever had or ever will.  It's not a job you can show up at each day and you pay the same bills, run the same payroll, process the PERS.  It's a job that requires you to be on your toes, aware, sensitive, ability to shift gears quickly and easily.

Moments... I want to enjoy each and every one.  Savor and treasure them.  As I told Garth, we are embarking on a ton of firsts and a ton of lasts.... celebrate each and every one.

Finally found a GREAT book.....

The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide by Julie Jarrell Bailey

This is THE 1st book I have read on adoption (that wasn't fiction, cause Leslie Gould CAN write about adoption perfectly) that ACTUALLY gets it RIGHT! She nailed the point of view from all sides and I feel more free about who I am than I ever have before.

She says about 3% of the world's population is adopted.  This would tell you that 6% of the population has been a "birth parent".  Adding on extended family of their siblings, parents and that would be 12%.  That means that this issue affects a lot of our population.  It also says that you have circles of people in your life that are directly affected by adoption in some type of capacity.  Too bad we don't band together to make more social changes in this area, but that's not the focus of this post... maybe another one.

Her advice throughout the book is fantastic -- each chapter ends with questions to ask yourself as the adoptee, or as the birth mother. Reflective, purposeful questions.  I wish I would have been smart to read it BEFORE this "reunion" with my birth mom, but I know that the timing of reading it was perfect. Not sure I would have had the same appreciation before my experiences.

She comments that a reunion must like weddings, go through it's own natural progressive stages all the way through the 1st year of life together. It does take this long, sometimes longer (SHOCKER! NOT!) for everyone to reach their level of comfort and levels of healing.  I say levels, because like grief, I believe their is a process in these situations.  Some days I feel great about where I am, what I've done, how it's gone.....other days it's as dark as it is depressing.  You have to ask yourself -- is this worth it? God, show yourself to me! I need to know You are still in this!  It hurts - can you take the hurt from me? I am human in my hurt, You see the big picture, not the selfish Tonya Mosher.

Here's another thing -- make your reunion your own.  Don't let others try to influence you or have words about it.  This has been one of the areas I've prayed about the most as in my past, I've been super sensitive about my adoption, and feelings.  I knew this was an area I'd need to trust God in.  Most people have good intentions (biting my tongue) and don't know what to say.  Those of you who know me best would say what I say.......then say nothing at all and give a hug. However, extend grace, take their words, use the filter of Jesus and continue on.  No one can feel what you feel, see what you see, love how you love.  End of story.

NO ONE experiences the reunion that they fantasized about.  Isn't that the truth?  However, I trust God knows and knew what experience was for me.  I would not trade the last 3 years for anything.

Nature vs Nurture. Remember this in psychology class? I do.  I always wanted a clear answer to this....however they are interwoven.  You are part nature, part nurture...... I feel as though I have some real traits of my parents yet many things that aren't even close. So, as a kid I thought I must be like my birth parents.  Ha! That didn't turn out to be true. At least, not yet.  BUT I am who God designed me to be --- a tie dye one of a kind collection of my parents and my birth family.  I am who I am because of my adoption. It  has made me who I am today.

Here's the huge clincher for me...... and this may seem obvious to you, but it wasn't to me until I read this. "According to Dr. David Chamberlain, newborn babies are born cognitive beings and are able to recognize their birth mothers.  If babies are able to recognize their birth mothers, then they should recognize that they have been separated.  Bonding between mother and child is unique. The bond created at birth is a life line of family legacy and belonging to something bigger than they. While adoption can provide a strong support network and a loving & nurturing environment, it may always lack something on the level of self -completion." Taken word for word from Julie's book. I didn't want to screw up the wording.

What does this mean to me? This is SCIENTIFIC. It is NORMAL.  Where was this advice when I was a teen?  20? 30? Now at 40, it's freeing.  FREEING.  It's OK to have this missing link.  It's OK to feel this way.  But here it is.... it's NOT OK to try to fill this void with other things;material possessions, drugs, alcohol, etc...... but the real truth is GOD CAN fill this missing link and I'll continue to ask Him to every day of my life.  Now I know where that feeling comes from and the why, He can really work.  It's time.  I don't want to waste another day of those icky thoughts and feelings.  Let's heal it. Let's make it stronger. Let's use this to do something good for Him.

I won't go into the advice I received about the birth mom.  A bit too personal about again just as freeing.  I saw deeper glimpses into her and what her life may be like.  Julie says: "Lies were told, secrets were maintained, records were sealed, lives were devastated all in the name of adoption. These relationships are very fragile and should be handled with extreme care - not just as though you are walking on eggshells, but on cracked eggshells, which you must be careful not to shatter completely." Ouch. I'm not good at this.  I have a lead foot, a heavy step - I like action, I like relationships, I like progress. But it doesn't work this way - and if it did, it risks being one sided.  Notice the "I"'s? Yep, selfishness has to be curbed.  Bite my tongue? Yep.... Wait? Yep... things I'm not good at but have been learning about.

And the final statement -- which Julie opens with and closes with:

"Enter your reunion with caution, compassion, responsibility and patience"

Good advice in any aspect of your life.  At the end of the day, you have to answer for your actions.
Julie, thank you for your amazing words of advice and the advocacy that you are doing for adoptees and for returning my email with such love!