Revelation....yes THE book of the bible

If you know me, you know theology isn't my gig.  Life application from scripture, yes.  Figuring out the language and what the words meant, etc... deep study is challenging for me and I really don't enjoy it.

However, I was at a point in my life when I felt God was telling me I needed more study, challenge and accountability in my life.  I needed some meat - I'm talking jerky --- serious chewing and protein in my life.  There are seasons to life and I was in a season of needing some good meat.

I didn't even check out the study of year at Bible Study Fellowship, just knew I needed to sign up.  I did this program 10+ years ago and had really gotten a lot out of it.  Guess what the study was? Revelation! I really thought about reconsidering, but knew that God had laid it on my heart to join and needed to follow through.

Fast forward 7 weeks --- I am loving it.  I really was apprehensive as I've stayed away from that book because of the symbols, talk out post-pre-mid tribulation -- I just really didn't want to have conversations on all that.  But guess what?  The first 3 books have been full of life application.  I've been blown away by what I've learned and how Jesus even ties it to the old testament over and over.

This past week, I couldn't get past these concepts and have been chewing on them all week.  Jesus spoke through the angels to 7 churches.  We have done the first 5 churches in our homework:

• Jesus identifies the church, personally.  Personally, we don't fit in a box, it's not a one size fits all.  He loves YOU for being YOU.  He created you and knows you intimately, so when he addresses you -- it's just for YOU. 
• Jesus begins each conversation with what the church is doing well in. He focuses on the positive and when doing that, he addresses what they are doing well in specifically to their locations and the people in their care.  Is this how you address others in your life?  Do we look for the positive before anything else? This too was VERY specific - which means that He knows me to my core.  He knows my gifts, my heart, my deeds.  Each one, none is forgotten. 
• Correction/Discipline -- okay, this is WHERE I'm humbled and have a feeling of awe-inspired.  The correction needed for these churches were again specific to their people, and place.  This was handled in a way -- that if you do THESE things, I can promise you ________ and the things he promised were what they desired in the beginning but had gone about it the wrong way. 

What I see is --- He wants the best for us.  He knows what we want, and He wants to give us the desires of our heart.  IF we obey Him and walk with Him and correct our wrongs, these promises apply to us to.  

It was eye opening to me that the correction was so personal.  It wasn't a one size fits all.  He desired to give them what they were longing for but they were going about it in the wrong way.  

How many times do we try to fill our own longings? Our own buckets in ways that are not God's ways.  

We need to trust God in what He desires for us.  I know He has more things in store for me than I can ever imagine - as long as I put one foot in front of the other and love those in my path.  

It's going to be good. I'm going to make it through Revelation in the next 23 more weeks and now I'm not so scared about it.  One foot in front of the other... 

20 Years of Marriage

20 years? I think I got married when I was 10....no really, to say we have been married that long made me feel old.  18, 19 were okay, but 20 was like, no way?!?

20 years ago I thought I knew it all,
     Today I realize I don't know much

20 years ago I had it all planned out,
     That was a huge waste of time

20 years ago life was happily ever after
     That didn't last long after the honeymoon

20 years ago, we said to have and hold,
     We have spent a lot of time having to hold to each other in storms of life

20 years ago, we said richer or poorer,
     Garth lost his job less than 6 months after we married, and proceeded to go back to school. We
     faced the poorer right away.

20 years ago, we said in sickness and in health,
     If you know us at all, health has been a roller coaster our whole marriage

20 years ago, we said to love and cherish,
     This is a choice and one we work on every day. This does not always come naturally

20 years ago, we said til death do us part,
     And when the going gets tough, remember these words. We committed until death, there is no
     talk of divorce EVER in our home

20 years ago, according to God's holy ordinance
     Studying God's word together, and praying for each other, gets you through any storm

20 years ago, pledge myself to you
     This means my life is no longer my own, my decisions and plans now consider someone else
     and there is no room for selfishness

20 years ago, these were easy words to say,
     20 years later, I 'm thankful we have made the effort to uphold these vows


If you would have told me then, the things I would face, I'm not sure I could have committed.

But now, looking back at all the things we have gone through, I would say yes all over again. Life is better together.

Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything

3 For everything there is a season,
    a time for every activity under heaven.
2 A time to be born and a time to die.
    A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal.
    A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to cry and a time to laugh.
    A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
    A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6 A time to search and a time to quit searching.
    A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear and a time to mend.
    A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate.
    A time for war and a time for peace.

9 What do people really get for all their hard work? 10 I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. 11 Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. 12 So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. 13 And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God.

14 And I know that whatever God does is final. Nothing can be added to it or taken from it. God’s purpose is that people should fear him. 15 What is happening now has happened before, and what will happen in the future has happened before, because God makes the same things happen over and over again.

Verse 15 stood out to me today.  The things I'm facing and the uncertainty of today and tomorrow have happened before.  People in my life have been there, done that.  This is why we need our community around us.  This is why you surround yourself with a diverse circle of people in your life.  SOMEONE has been in your shoes before. 

A time to be quiet and a time to speak.  Before we can shout and share what God is doing from a rooftop, we need to deal with it in the closet.  To wrestle and work through the issues God has me working on in the moment.  Too often, we speak before we're ready.  Trying to work on this in my life.  What God does in my heart, needs to go deep - not wide.  Wide will come in time, but deep is what matters most in our faith. It's what grounds us.  Harvesting before you are ready leads to disease, low yields, weeds. It messes with the cycle of the plant.

A time to plant and a time to harvest.  I need some planting at this point in my life. I'm hungry and thirsty.  Craving more of Him.  It's okay to admit.  It's okay to need fertilized, so long as I come back around to harvest it.  

When reading this - it says to me "balance".  You can't need planting every year and never harvest it. You can't just have death and no life. You can't spend your whole life searching.  

Balance is hard.  It means giving up the old to go for the new.  It means disappointing some in your life to seek out the new potential relationships in life. Obeying comes with a price, but in the end an even greater reward.  It never says it will be easy. 

Better Together

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed with gratitude? To the point of having no words to express it? I've wanted to blog a bit when transitioning to our new home, but didn't have the words. I'm not sure I even do now.

We sold our house in a day. Our realtor, which we consider family, Andrew Beach knew how to price it, how to market it and wow is all we can say! He rocks!

Pressure was on to find a new house. Easier said than done with our list ---- Aloha schools, RV parking, big rooms for entertaining, prefer an HOA neighborhood, etc, etc, etc.  And for under $xxx,xxx!! LOL! (Now I can LOL, not then)

We trusted God would provide, as He always has before.  Confirmation of selling our home so quickly and for above the asking price, we knew it would happen.

This house came on the market on a Tuesday.  We had both seen it at an realtor open house, it was super cheap but at the time we said it wouldn't work for our family.  This was before we had put ours on the market.  Well, once it came back on the market and we were in a different mind frame this time, we thought we should look at it!

We called Andrew to say we wanted to look at it again. He said they were not showing it until the weekend due to having a new baby. He said if we were interested in it, we should just make an offer and have them accept it before the weekend to avoid a bidding war.  He said we could always get out of it after having the inspection. Basically, we had nothing to lose.

We did it! We made an offer on a house that we hadn't really seen!  Craziness! It was under budget, had enough square feet, etc.....

Fast forward to our move and God provided once again with amazing, over the top family and friends that helped us out.  We had 6-8 of us there for a week straight painting, putting in new lights, cleaning, weeding.  All in time to get new flooring put in.

Garth and I would never have been able to do all of that without our family. My dad and mom, aunt and uncle and friend Cyndi spent the week with us working all day long.  The house now looks amazing and we are so happy to call it home.  It fits us. It fits our family's needs and even more, our entertaining lifestyle.

Milestones

Today marks a milestone. It's one of those, as a mother that you look forward to and that you dread all at once.  Hunter got his driver's license.  He's ready. He's confident.  We've tried to prepare him. 

I remember thinking when they were little, if only I could send them to the store.  How handy it would be to run that errand for me.  Here we are..... he's got my other baby in the car with him.  They are heading to the orthodontist by themselves.  

I'm home alone. This feels odd.  It's a bit unsettling and exciting all at the same time.  

It's change. 

It's something new.  

Parenting is all about changes.  Constantly adapting your life to the littles in your life.  

I wish you could have seen his proud smile.  Really.  I teared up. He was so excited and proud.  It's a huge milestone.  He's so excited to drive himself to work. 

You parents of toddlers and littles --- it goes so quick.  Embrace every day, every moment.  Enjoy these milestones.  Celebrate them.  I would say I'd take him to celebrate, but he's already gone celebrating with his sister. 

My prayer life has changed once again in the past 2 hours....... 

IF:Table --- I'm scared to join - what is it?

I've been a bit out of touch.  Buying and selling a house is a bit consuming as is settling in.  We are absolutely loving every minute of our home!

I wanted to try and explain what IF:Table is all about - at least to me.  We are kicking this off at our church and I thought by explaining what it is, you would climb on board this fun journey!

IF:Table stemmed from a lady that -- when her husband took a pastor position, she decided she wanted to have the entire congregation over for dinner.  Of course, this can't happen at once -- but 6x6 she worked her way through the entire congregation.  You can see more of her story at www.ifgathering.com and click on gather, then IF:Table.

When we were at the conference, we had mini ideas of what this should look like.  For example:

• After a few hours of teaching, we turned around and sat in a circle with those close to us and asked simple questions from a list of cards. 
• This concept helped you get to know someone new
• It helped you process the speakers you had just heard
• It made the event get personal and small
• BTW, Jennifer and I made new friends this way that we ended up having meals with! 
• Dinner Friday night
• You picked a card based on $$$ and type of food
• When you arrived at your choice, you were to meet up and find new friends to sit with! 
• You weren't necessarily given questions to ask, but kind of did that indirectly because it made conversation flow better
• This is where we met our rockstar friends we ended up sight-seeing with!! It was incredible. 

People look at me and say I'm an extrovert --- but each of those things were hard for me.  I was with my friend from Tucson and was more than content to just be with her since we don't get that every day! But - the blessings that flowed from these times outweighed my anxiety about it.  

Did you get that last line? 

MY BLESSINGS OUTWEIGHED MY ANXIETY.  

IF:Table is very simple.  You gather 6-8 women at someone's house for a meal.  This can look different for each group ---- potluck, themed dinner, potato bar, simple, delicate, over the top, etc.  Depends on the hostess and the decisions in the group.  You don't have to have a huge house -- or even a table that seats everyone - or the perfect set up.  

You ask 4 questions.  This is my favorite part. Want to know why? I hate small talk.  I hate trying to make conversations with strangers.  It's exhausting.  It's not my thing.  The table focuses on these 4 questions and the conversations it starts.  The focus is off me. It's off you.  It's answering a question.  

It's only 2 hours --- once a month.  There is a start and end time. You won't be there forever.  It makes the time have purpose and recognizes that we respect your time.  And once a month? Who can't do once a month night out with some new friends? 

The simplicity of it is refreshing.  It reminds me of the stories of the disciples sitting with Jesus. Impromptu (although we do have a date set) but purposeful.  It's not about the food, or the cleanliness or appearances. It's about learning to be more like Christ and being intentional about your life.  

Personally, I do better in situations that have purpose.  But no so rigid that I can't be me or I can't see how to use my gifts.  

The table is a place where friendships are formed and lives are changed.  

IF:Walk it Out my Own Way

I'm BAACCCKKKKK.....

Time flies when you are having fun.  I haven't posted in a bit -- it's been a busy few months of packing up 1/2 the house, having a sick husband, painting the house, listing the house, selling the house, buying a new house, kids sports, enrolling Hunter at Aloha High, small groups, AUSTIN.
Yep -- that's where I've been since November.

A LOT of you have asked me about my conference.  It was a similar experience to Guatemala in that you came home changed, perspectives were tweaked.  Yet, this time, without my family feeling the same.  But needing time to have it "soak" in to where you could even explain it and make sense to others.  I still realize it's me, and I'm crazy and don't make sense to a lot of you - so that could be a long wait......... but..........

There is so much to tell you that it may take a few blog posts as you and I both don't have all day to write/read.  But the theme of the conference was to DREAM BIG.  And of course, IF is all about asking the question, IF GOD IS REAL, THEN WHAT?

We studied the story of Caleb and Joshua, being spies and checking out the city of Jericho, the promised land.  From the time they went to spy, to the time the walls of Jericho fell.  Each speaker built up to the walls falling.  Taking scripture and dissecting it down.

As we sat under humble, beautiful, talented women sharing God's word ---- I was really moved to continue to run my race.  I was really hoping to hear something new or hear God say to do something really great for Him.  But that's not what happened.  Really not.  I was hoping for clarity.  I got muddy confirmation.  I was hoping for something "new" (you have to know me to appreciate this), I got "stick with it". I was hoping for "a ha", I got continue in your own lane.

Joshua 1:6-9
How many times does God say Be Bold & Courageous?
Life is a battle.  We have the Conqueror on our side.  But we need to be bold and courageous in this lifetime.  Being bold means standing up for what is right, being bold means not being afraid.  Courageous leave legacies.  This was not a suggestion.  This was a command.

They had gone to check out the land as spies (Numbers 13) and had seen what their competition was. Caleb & Joshua had said -- we can do this!  God is on our side! The other 10 spies shared how scary it was, how big the enemy was, how it was a daunting task.  They couldn't see the bigger picture of the land and honey.  The bigger picture that their God was on their side.  They weren't willing to be bold and were sure lacking courage.

I don't want to be one of the 10.  I want to be the one that says - nothing is impossible because my God is on my side.  He has overcome all evil. He wants what is best for me.

Being 2 of 12 - with 10 against you is where I get weary.  This is where I wish I could run a different race sometimes.  This is where we look and say why can't we live like so and so? Why do I struggle while others race through?

Hebrews 12 states that we are called to run the race MARKED for us.  Sometimes I think we glaze over the part that states it is JUST for us, we just see to run the race and run it well.  We need to put our blinders on and not look to the right or left.  That will cause you to stumble.  Think of running the race --- if you take your eyes off the finish line, you will lose your footing.  You will fall back.  You will be distracted.  The cool thing is that God has a race made just for you!  I don't have to run someone else's course, nor at the speed that they are, just run your own course(thank God, cause I'm slow)

This leads me to my new saying ---- Walk it Out and Walk it Out in your Own Lane.  Christine Caine and Bianca Orthoff encouraged us to Walk it Out.

Joshua 6 talks about Joshua and his gang walking around the City of Jericho.  They were to walk around it once a day for 6 days.  Then the 7th day they were to walk it 7 times while blowing horns.  Does this seem crazy to you?

Our small minds think --- I've already done this for 5 days -- nothing has happened.
Day 6 -- is this for real? What will be different tomorrow? Why should we keep doing this? Nothing is happening.

Day 7 arrives and you were to walk around -- AND make noise?  Seriously?
God literally waited until the 7th day, after the 7th lap ---- the walls fell down.

WALK IT OUT...... what if you are on day 6 of a trial?  What if the answer is around the next bend?  Bianca Orthoff said --- "Results are God's responsibilities, responses are ours. You need to walk it out when it's not working out"

What in your life needs "walked out"?  What are you going to choose to do?

I'm trying to Be Bold and Courageous in Walking out my Race. With God's help - nothing is impossible.  Luke 1:45 and Luke 18:27

Circle Your Need and Pray Like Mad

It's Tuesday. We've spent 6 hours in the ER - trying to figure out what's going on with Garth.  High, ridiculous fever that is giving him chills that literally lift him off the bed.  The doctor sat with me, just watching him breathe and shiver and watch his teeth shake like a cartoon figure - only this was my sick, sick husband.

After deciding to admit him and just watch him --- The Dr. came in and said we had to make a decision --- the chest xray had come back abnormal (but not a normal abnormal), he wanted the radiologist to reread it in the hospital, but they wouldn't be in for 6 hours or more. He was wanting to start IV antibiotics but wasn't exactly sure we should because we didn't have any concrete answers and they couldn't figure out what was wrong.

What we DID know is that Garth's vital signs weren't right nor was this high fever.  And as he said we had a choice (Garth was way out of it at this point - so my choice basically).....

"You need to understand if we DON'T start antibiotics, we can NEVER get back these 6 hours of waiting to see"

Pretty scary statement by the doctor that he repeated to me several times.  The choice was made to start antibiotics immediately and 2 different big guns. At this point, he was on hourly monitoring of vitals.  I began to realize how sick he really was.

Our small group has been doing a very challenging study called Circle Maker and the idea is to draw a circle around your need and pray specifically for it, while waiting expectantly for God to work.  And waiting does not mean sitting and doing nothing.  Waiting means preparing.  Preparing takes work.  I realized I needed to put this learning into action and God placed this challenge in our path. This is where rubber meets the road when you are working on an area of your life.

I formed a small group of people on a text group. I began to send updates WITH a specific prayer request of urgent needs.  Just one at a time.  Here's part of my list

• Vitals to be stabilized - we were on an hourly monitoring - later on we were able to spread that out. 
• Prayer for answers on the chest xray - it was then confirmed that the xray abnormality was due to lack of a deep breath -- but I knew then that that misreading was a miracle -- because we could not wait the amount of time to get him on antibiotics, he didn't have that much time. 
• Fever to be resolved -- this I asked for multiple times as it would be gone, but then would return with a vengance of pain and chills. Eventually it resolved. Persistent prayer. 
• Blood Glucose was 148 - at 150 because of his condition, they would need to administer insulin. Immediately asked for prayer just for this - next reading was also 148 and again asked for prayer - next reading was 90. 

I know that God doesn't always immediately answer and I know that there are a lot of times He doesn't answer in healing - but gives the ultimate healing.  But by praying specifically for things, I wanted this difficulty and hardship to be His story (history). I wanted God to be glorified through it and that his getting better had everything to do with God answering prayer. 

My challenge to you is to pray specific -- wait expectantly -- God WILL reveal Himself to you if you ask.  Recently I've been praying Ephesians 3:20 in my circumstances.  Asking God to do abundantly more as well as Revelations 3:7 to shut the door or open it by His power alone. 

What can I pray with you and for you in your life?  Let's be specific.  Let's drill down and make an impact.  Your prayers or lack of prayer has eternal consequences.  

Excellence vs Perfection

I'm reading a super cool book!  It's more of a "fun" in between book club reads.  The caption from Lisa's blog post grabbed my attention ---- your home should tell your story.  Not exact words - but that's what I took from it.  Being someone who loves words and pictures and remembering memories --- this screamed READ ME!

The Nesting Place has been a sweet surprise of life lessons.  I honestly thought it was a "how to" decorate your home, but instead is full of advice to life life now and the true meaning of hospitality and entertaining.

The author in her books expands on this thought -- and my challenge to you -- (from the Reluctant Entertainer by Sandy Coughlin) Sandy Coughlin writes: "Excellence is working toward an attainable goal that benefits everyone, while perfection comes from a place of great need -- usually the need to avoid criticism and gain praise and approval from others (selfish desires)"

Ouch.  Perfection may happen in very narrow circumstances in a very narrow place.  Which to me means narrow thinking? Granted, when we are talking brain surgery - perfection is what I want it to be.  But while the surgeon is perfect in his procedure, his home life may not be or even his office staff issues might be a mess.  My point is that not in all areas of our life can we have perfection.  Yet we continue to strive for it.  Selfish.

I like that this statement suggests we strive for excellence.  Strive is a verb.  It means action.  It means working toward something, I believe in all areas of our life we should be striving.

That says we can't stay stuck. We can't be in this same place in 5 years.  We should be striving internally and externally to make a difference.

Thoughts? Do you struggle with perfection?  Easy to stay status quo?

Firsts.......Firsts..........Firsts...

Life is racing by.  Sometimes I just want to press "pause". The kids are both in a phase of changing rapidly, experiencing new things constantly and just growing up and up..

 Hunter is junior lifeguarding - learning to teach swim lessons and paving the way to becoming a full fledged life guard when he turns 16 in June.  He does this 2 nights a week.  A great experience, and is learning a lot about teaching kids to swim. 

This says Hello Straight Teeth on the welcome board. 

Lindsay with her 4 braces on her front teeth. She has head gear to wear for sleeping. 

These new adventures in their lives mean bigger things are around the bend.  They are milestones into becoming adults.  And this mama can't help but to be proud and sad all at once! Today while at the doctor's office, someone was bringing in their 6 mo old baby boy for a well check.  As I talked to the mom and enjoyed the baby -- I thought don't blink ---- it goes so fast.  My babies were both just 6 months old the other day....

Life lessons to stop and enjoy these moments and milestones.  Thankful I have a job that is flexible to allow me to not miss these moments.  The small moments add up to who they'll be someday - what they will stand for, how they will live, and the impact they will have.

I saw an article that caught my eye this morning that said -- you think you are a bad parent? Or you question your parenting effectiveness?  I do this all the time --- wonder if when they are 35 they will laugh at me or need therapy for all the dysfunctional moments we have.  But this article said that by questioning yourself --- you are proving that you are a good parent by questioning yourself and rechecking in with yourself.  Constant tweeking.

I think that's what parenting takes -- constant tweeking.  Just when I think I have one of the kids figured out, they change and outgrow that stage.  So again we are reconfiguring.

Tweek on......

Obstacles that are really lies

I shared with you last week some notes from my bible study Undanted By Christine Caine.

This was our final lesson today. I have to say this bible study has made a lot of things clear, but also muddied the water as well as stirred it all up together.  I see clearly that I have a purpose and that I think I need to go after that purpose, but the HOW always halts you in your tracks.

One of the final thoughts (how I interpreted it, not the rest of the group - I know, shocker) was about obstacles.  It was a list of common obstacles.  I looked at these obstacles and thought, "what do each of these things look like in real life"?

For example - unforgiveness.  What would a person that has trouble forgiving look like on the inside? Maybe hard hearted.  Maybe bitter.  And so on and so on.  I kind of did a character sketch on each one of these.  My reasoning? To be able to help people more effectively.

Here's the list we had:

• Unforgiveness
• Bitterness
• Shame
• Fear
• Guilt
• Rejection 
• Hurt

2 points to these that I realized after doing my study and my sketches.  IF you have these in your life AND we ALL do........ 

YOU ARE STUCK.  

The stronghold of this list are LIES. 

We learned last Sunday at Church that all a stronghold is - is a LIE.  It is meant to deceive you.  It is meant to make you STUCK.  Nothing on this list is from God. 

No more.  It's time to be free.  No more duct tape, packing tape, webs. 

FREE to do what God has next in your life.  Are you free?  

Austin, here we come!

Insane.... insane......insane. Loving my insane life.

A few weeks ago, I was feeling very discontent. I posted about that in  my post called God's Up to Something Big

Fast forward ----- I received a personal phone call from IF: Gather saying that Jen's registration was processed as was mine.  We are IN!! We are going to Austin!

What is this conference?  It's called IF:Gather.  Founded by Jennie Allen IF exists to:

• GATHER &
• EQUIP &
• UNLEASH next generation of women to live out their purpose

Sounds like what should be next, don't you think?  

You too can participate in this.  It will be simulcast. Stay tuned for more information about this.  

I can't wait to see how God's going to use this.  Airline tickets are booked and we are ready to go learn and soak it all up to figure out how to leak it all out.  

On a popular TV show I like --- a firefighter was having a hard time overcoming his grief and doing things that weren't healthy in combating it. His boss called him in and his argument was that he was on the job, showing up.  The boss said -- It's NOT about showing up - it's MORE than that.  People count on you! 

Yes -- this is true to all areas of our lives. Are you just showing up? Soaking it up and not sharing it? 

Are you making a difference or an appearance? 

I will not show up in Austin.  It's time for more.  I want to live my life trusting in Ephesians 3:20.  

Limitless

Undaunted means not intimidated or discouraged by difficulties, danger or disappointment.

Are you living life undaunted? I'm in the middle of a great study by Christine Caine (http://christinecaine.com).  Really looking at my life and realizing that I don't trust as much as I should.

Do you limit yourself? Do you limit others around you? What about what God can do in your life if you let Him truly in?  I do.  In a lot of ways.  I'm tired of it.

I tell myself - I don't have time to add one more thing, do I really have time for that thing or is that something that is worthy of my time? All kinds of questions that keep me down in my rut and running as usual.  I'm done.

One of my family's favorite movies is We Bought a Zoo.  (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1389137/)
This is a great movie that shows the choices you can take when tragedy strikes.  It's inspiring to watch someone take a great risk and take their hurt and pain and invest it. There are 2 lines in that movie that I'm trying to incorporate in my life......

• Benjamin Mee: You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.
• Katherine Mee: Why not?

Have you done something that takes insane courage? I would like to say that I have.... and I would like to live my life being willing to take risks and being open to what God is asking of me.  And ask myself - why not? What do I have to lose? 

This study is encouraging you to do something for God.  So many of us say what can I do?  I'm just 1 person and I only have this much time and this much influence.  My answer to this is -- you touch and help change 1 person's life, they then help someone else or even 5 people, then they reach out to others.  It's exponential.  It's unstoppable.  It's Ephesians 3:20.  Obeying God's calling has NO LIMITS.  

I know what my next step is and I know it's huge and it's going to impact.  Are there obstacles?  Yes.  Does it feel overwhelming?  Yes, because it's bigger than myself.  And when doing something for God, realizing the battles are really against the flesh, not against Tonya Mosher. But I'm asking God to help me be undaunted. 

Instead of asking yourself, why?  Ask why not? Just 20 seconds of insane courage!! You can endure anything for 20 seconds!!! 

Waiting to hear your stories.........

God's up to big stuff

S.T.R.E.S.S. --- in my own life that means that God is up to something good and there is resistance against it.

For awhile I have felt discontent.  I think the "moving" time of the 7 study really made me look at things differently in my life.  It pointed out areas of my life that aren't quite inline.  We then took a very good vacation, and came back to reality where life just hasn't felt like it's back together.  And I don't think God wants it to go back together.  Do you ever get that feeling?

A few weeks ago I started reading and studying the book Undaunted by Christine Caine.  It's a pretty intense study - the first week was taking segments of your life, listing something tragic or rough that happened (childhood, teen, young adult, etc) and asking how you dealt with it, how you saw God and lessons learned.  No one else in our group liked the section.  I wouldn't say I liked it --- but when forced to go back in time -- it was super cool to see the pattern of growth.  A feeling like - yes, I am making progress in my faith -- but still feeling this lack of contentment yet trying to tell myself that when life gets hard, I'm growing.

But - once again - struggling with issues with my bio mom.  I'm tired of these struggles - God is continuing to work in me in this area and I am making progress --- but I'm weary of the thoughts and weary of the situation.  Church this weekend kind of nailed it - the question was asked -- are you only fighting your battle or are you winning? Identify the battle (that's the hard part for me - what is it I'm bothered about other than just being literally bothered and this takes time dwelling in it which I'm not a fan of) and CRY it out to God.  Speak it. Identify it. CRY it out. REVEALING the FEELING is the beginning of HEALING.

Ephesians 3:20 says through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish INFINITELY MORE than we might ask or think.  Yes please.  Realizing our power fades over time when God's power increases over time.  I'm weary of this - God please take it from me.  I then asked for prayer in this situation.  Step one - spoke it.

Sunday night as we said goodbye to our company and I had a few minutes to sit on my bed before head hitting the pillow --- my dear friend from Tucson wrote on my FB (jokingly) let's go to this conference in Austin, TX.  I texted her immediately and said I'm in.  Let's go.  I then asked -- Now --- what's this conference about?  It has my favorite bible study teachers --- and the theme is God working in greater ways.  Greater than you could ever imagine.  We begin to plan our scheme.

Tuesday morning rolls around to register for the conference. This is how the day has gone:

•  I wake up to ants in the kitchen (we've never had ants in the house in the 12 years we've lived here) and yes I'm itching for no reason at all
•  then have difficulties registering (website crashed 10 servers and had more than 38,000 hits),
• then Hunter telling me the freezer isn't cold or frozen (lost a lot of food)
• spent the afternoon cooking meat so we didn't lose it (not on my plan today) 
• having argument with Hunter that I really didn't want to have
• realizing I made a mistake on someone's payroll this week
• did my friend's registration go through or not because the system was so unstable? They charged me, but we still haven't heard she's in for sure. 

Do I think this is a coincidence? Thinking I would wake up this morning and start planning with my friend and thinking about ways God was going to work in us -- to having the day go like this. Not even being able to celebrate us going because we don't know if she's in or not.  No coincidence. God is doing a huge work in the both of us -- her family's story these past few weeks is nothing short of the miracles of God.  

We both agreed to host a monthly "table" where we bring members of the community in to our home to ask tough questions and make connections to do great things for our community and for the Lord. This is huge because 2 weeks ago in my bible study, they asked the question what would bring you the greatest joy? To me, connecting people to each other to make a difference. So when I read about hosting this group, it was like the light went off! The basis of these groups come from Acts 2:46 in opening our homes to meet together.  We are praying about who it is we are to invite.  That God appoints just the right people and does a work.  

James 1:2 says to have joy when having trials because they develop your faith.  I have joy in today because God is up to something more than awesome and these trials are because of it.  Vs. 12 talks about the reward of having withstood the test, you will receive the crown.  

I dare you --- identify your  struggle. Speak it. Cry out to Him. Let's see what happens.  Do I have all the answers? Do I feel like I've solved my adoption issues? No -- but I'm taking it to the next step. I'm going to win it instead of fight it.  Stay tuned...... 

Did I read that right?

My last post was on the purging that has been going on in the Mosher household.  It's still going on in huge ways and has become life changing.  (More on the new way of purging in a later post).

As a lot of you know, I will soon be leading a small group study on 7.  It's designed as a weekly fast from 7 things.  I feel very inadequate and unworthy in leading such a study, but it's very full of grace and for that I'm very thankful!

I watched the first 2 videos in preparation of leading this, knowing how long it will be and what it will be like. I was very convicted, as the leader - the shepherd in watching the first video.  And again felt unworthy and so small.

I read 7 while I was in Guatemala.  While we were saving money and fundraising to go.  While so many things in my life felt out of order and overwhelmed with every day life, I was reading this book on purging.  At least that was my perspective.  Nothing wrong with that, right?  Doing clean up in your daily life to allow more room for the good God would bring.

But I kind of lost my focus in the purging.  Do you ever do that?  Start something with such great intentions on doing it right, then either get lost in the details or lose focus of the larger goal?  I had even promised myself I wouldn't do that.  I would keep my eye on the prize - more time in my life for God and tasks He has for me.

So, what happened to me during my preparation was the question ---- what is your larger goal of 7?  What is God wanting to do in your life without these distractions?  And the biggie --- what are you going to do in your life each week IN PLACE of your fast?  Ouch.  I just wanted the fast, the break and play this by ear.  (For those of you in my study --- this is NOT required -- this was God speaking directly to me).

Ouch. Yuck. I don't do well with big thinking.  I began praying - thinking maybe I hadn't heard right.  Praying. Nothing. Praying.  Nothing. Maybe I'm off the hook here.  Praying. Facebook.........

A post I'm tagged in is an inspirational story.  A vlog of an accomplishment.  I ask why did you post this to me?  Response... you've got great stories to tell.

Seriously.  Some day I might be able to do something with these stories -- because they are very true works of God in my life. Someday but not now.  A lot of those things aren't complete  in my life.

I'm putzing along in the book I received for mother's day - slowly processing this idea of writing a book.  Slowly trying to even understand what the book is saying (I was given the title of this book by a great author who said it's the best).  A book where you literally read a page and have to reread it to get it. (At least that's true for me - cause I have very simplistic thought processes, no judging please. :))

Guess what's on the next page?

As you begin this journey --- the next part of the book is written for 7 weeks of writing/organizing/analyzing your thoughts into a formalized book.  You can end up with 7 chapters, an outline for it or a much clearer idea of what to do next after 7 weeks.

I rubbed my eyes.  Did that say 7?  7 weeks?  No.  I'm sure it didn't. Yes it did.

I've downloaded an app to help organize my thoughts. Heaven help me.

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February 1st AgAiN.........

Three years ago I got a phone call that has changed my life more than any other phone call.  This is Beverly, I have found your birth mother.  She wants you to know she loves you and thinks of you every day but can't have contact with you.  Unfortunately your birth father died in 2002, but you have 2 full blood siblings.
Do you have any questions?

Literally.

I had embarked on this journey starting August 12, 2009.  12:00 pm.  God called me to find her. I refused and wrestled for a few months.  In the wrestling, God won before I was too bruised and battered.  You see, if you don't let God have his way with you, it only becomes more painful.

I followed the steps.  I applied for my birth certificate, the original one.  It came and was not blocked.

I then called the post adoption agency on December 2nd, 2009.  Said I had my original birth certificate, what was next.  She faxed me a form to fill out. I faxed it back.  She explained to me that the wait is 2-5 years.  Really?  That seemed like such a long time off when I knew God had called me to do this.  But whatever, what were you going to do? She went to put it into the computer and informed me I had been waiting for 13 years for this.  What?!?! In fact, in 2 weeks I was going to be removed from the list because they had not been able to locate me.

14 years earlier, I had applied for "non-identifying" information.  Garth and I felt it was important to have information before having our kids.  At that time-- they automatically put you on a list to be "found". Which means if my birth mom or any one from my birth family wanted to contact you, they could through the social worker.  Well, at the time, I was not ready for this and had an unfortunate situation occur that sent me into a downward spiral.  So, I wrote a letter asking to be removed from that "open" list.  I got confirmation letter back saying I was taken off the list.

Well, God had already been working on this and I had no idea.  I was never removed from the list. But I didn't know this.  So, after turning in that form, I was next in line.  But what does "next" mean?  I went about my daily life and you kind of forget off and on about it.

Fast forward to February 1st ,2010.  The call came. I thought I would have a "session" with my social worker assigned to me first and know her a bit. Nope.

When I realized that --- my worse dream had come true, my birth mom rejected me and this time as an adult, in the next breath I realized I was still standing, kids were laughing in the next room, I WOULD work through this.  My second thought, was that I had to offer grace to this woman.  She literally got a cold call that uprooted her life as she knew it too.

Thus began new chapters in my life.  Chapters of ups and downs.  Chapters of learning true meaning of God's grace, frustration, defeat, my true identity is in Christ, He's the only one to fill the void.  Lots and lots
of new lessons to be learned.  Some very painful, and some very rewarding.

I would love to tell you this great story of where things are 3 years later, but I can tell you that Christ has done a work in my life and is continuing to do so.  I have no regrets, I know He called me to do this (still don't know the WHY, but that doesn't matter), I've obeyed.  I really was nieve in thinking that if you did exactly what God called you to do, you would get the outcome you dreamed of.  I've had to grieve that and realize His outcome is what I desire more than my dream of one.

And I have THE coolest social worker in the entire universe.  She has listened, encouraged, nailed me to the wall when I've needed it, loved me despite my faults.  As well as the best support team one could hope for.

Philippians 1:6
For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus

Moments...

I feel as though I'm in a time warp, but on fast forward, like the scene in the movie Click where he doesn't want to go through this or that or listen to what people have to say, so he fast forwards.  However, I'm not choosing the fast forward button, I'm looking for the pause button.

I feel like I'm in a weird stage of parenting.  When you are first a parent, you are with your kids 24/7 doing all things for them, they take up your every waking and even sleeping moments.  Then they transition to school.... and so on and so forth....

My oldest is entering high school, my youngest entering middle school.  They are functioning without me (of course I'm the taxi service, so not fully without me) and doing things with friends or even by themselves.  Today I "dropped" them off at the pool to hang with friends and left.  Yesterday one of them worked, the other was with a friend.  Life is changing.

And as much as I like change (cause I TOTALLY do), this one is hard.  Today I realized that instead of having my kids with me 24/7, I get moments.  From here on out, it's moments.  I need to make them count.  They are becoming more independent, doing their own thing, friends are becoming more priority.  I'm not complaining, just saying that the reality is I get them now for "moments".

I need to not be petty, not be so picky and enjoy the moment.  I need to soak it up, make it last, journal it, embrace it.  You think you will always remember, but you don't.  In fact, we were just looking at photo albums from about 7 years ago and I couldn't recall certain events.  And I hadn't documented them well.  I thought I would always remember, but I didn't.  Learning this lesson... today's bible study was a reminder that remember is used 150 times in the bible because it's important.  Life is not always on the mountain top, so you have to remember those moments to deal with the pain that comes.

Parenting is the most interesting job I've ever had or ever will.  It's not a job you can show up at each day and you pay the same bills, run the same payroll, process the PERS.  It's a job that requires you to be on your toes, aware, sensitive, ability to shift gears quickly and easily.

Moments... I want to enjoy each and every one.  Savor and treasure them.  As I told Garth, we are embarking on a ton of firsts and a ton of lasts.... celebrate each and every one.

Finally found a GREAT book.....

The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide by Julie Jarrell Bailey

This is THE 1st book I have read on adoption (that wasn't fiction, cause Leslie Gould CAN write about adoption perfectly) that ACTUALLY gets it RIGHT! She nailed the point of view from all sides and I feel more free about who I am than I ever have before.

She says about 3% of the world's population is adopted.  This would tell you that 6% of the population has been a "birth parent".  Adding on extended family of their siblings, parents and that would be 12%.  That means that this issue affects a lot of our population.  It also says that you have circles of people in your life that are directly affected by adoption in some type of capacity.  Too bad we don't band together to make more social changes in this area, but that's not the focus of this post... maybe another one.

Her advice throughout the book is fantastic -- each chapter ends with questions to ask yourself as the adoptee, or as the birth mother. Reflective, purposeful questions.  I wish I would have been smart to read it BEFORE this "reunion" with my birth mom, but I know that the timing of reading it was perfect. Not sure I would have had the same appreciation before my experiences.

She comments that a reunion must like weddings, go through it's own natural progressive stages all the way through the 1st year of life together. It does take this long, sometimes longer (SHOCKER! NOT!) for everyone to reach their level of comfort and levels of healing.  I say levels, because like grief, I believe their is a process in these situations.  Some days I feel great about where I am, what I've done, how it's gone.....other days it's as dark as it is depressing.  You have to ask yourself -- is this worth it? God, show yourself to me! I need to know You are still in this!  It hurts - can you take the hurt from me? I am human in my hurt, You see the big picture, not the selfish Tonya Mosher.

Here's another thing -- make your reunion your own.  Don't let others try to influence you or have words about it.  This has been one of the areas I've prayed about the most as in my past, I've been super sensitive about my adoption, and feelings.  I knew this was an area I'd need to trust God in.  Most people have good intentions (biting my tongue) and don't know what to say.  Those of you who know me best would say what I say.......then say nothing at all and give a hug. However, extend grace, take their words, use the filter of Jesus and continue on.  No one can feel what you feel, see what you see, love how you love.  End of story.

NO ONE experiences the reunion that they fantasized about.  Isn't that the truth?  However, I trust God knows and knew what experience was for me.  I would not trade the last 3 years for anything.

Nature vs Nurture. Remember this in psychology class? I do.  I always wanted a clear answer to this....however they are interwoven.  You are part nature, part nurture...... I feel as though I have some real traits of my parents yet many things that aren't even close. So, as a kid I thought I must be like my birth parents.  Ha! That didn't turn out to be true. At least, not yet.  BUT I am who God designed me to be --- a tie dye one of a kind collection of my parents and my birth family.  I am who I am because of my adoption. It  has made me who I am today.

Here's the huge clincher for me...... and this may seem obvious to you, but it wasn't to me until I read this. "According to Dr. David Chamberlain, newborn babies are born cognitive beings and are able to recognize their birth mothers.  If babies are able to recognize their birth mothers, then they should recognize that they have been separated.  Bonding between mother and child is unique. The bond created at birth is a life line of family legacy and belonging to something bigger than they. While adoption can provide a strong support network and a loving & nurturing environment, it may always lack something on the level of self -completion." Taken word for word from Julie's book. I didn't want to screw up the wording.

What does this mean to me? This is SCIENTIFIC. It is NORMAL.  Where was this advice when I was a teen?  20? 30? Now at 40, it's freeing.  FREEING.  It's OK to have this missing link.  It's OK to feel this way.  But here it is.... it's NOT OK to try to fill this void with other things;material possessions, drugs, alcohol, etc...... but the real truth is GOD CAN fill this missing link and I'll continue to ask Him to every day of my life.  Now I know where that feeling comes from and the why, He can really work.  It's time.  I don't want to waste another day of those icky thoughts and feelings.  Let's heal it. Let's make it stronger. Let's use this to do something good for Him.

I won't go into the advice I received about the birth mom.  A bit too personal about again just as freeing.  I saw deeper glimpses into her and what her life may be like.  Julie says: "Lies were told, secrets were maintained, records were sealed, lives were devastated all in the name of adoption. These relationships are very fragile and should be handled with extreme care - not just as though you are walking on eggshells, but on cracked eggshells, which you must be careful not to shatter completely." Ouch. I'm not good at this.  I have a lead foot, a heavy step - I like action, I like relationships, I like progress. But it doesn't work this way - and if it did, it risks being one sided.  Notice the "I"'s? Yep, selfishness has to be curbed.  Bite my tongue? Yep.... Wait? Yep... things I'm not good at but have been learning about.

And the final statement -- which Julie opens with and closes with:

"Enter your reunion with caution, compassion, responsibility and patience"

Good advice in any aspect of your life.  At the end of the day, you have to answer for your actions.
Julie, thank you for your amazing words of advice and the advocacy that you are doing for adoptees and for returning my email with such love!

Dreams -- UPS and DOWNS

A week ago I had a terrible dream.  I don't usually mind bad dreams because most of the time it doesn't add up and you know it wouldn't happen like that  -- but this one was so realistic I wasn't sure if it was true or not when I woke up.  It sets you up for a bad day.  For me a bad dream is loss.  Losing someone you love and not getting to say goodbye.

It's dreams like these that can make it hard to go to sleep.  And sometimes I am afraid to close my eyes because I don't know what the night will bring. I dream a lot. And typically I can remember them.. good or bad. I'm not sure why God made me this way but I conquer all kinds of things in my dreams. From ridiculous to wishes....

Ever since I've started the journey of finding/knowing my birth mom, at least once a week I've had dreams of her.  Almost always, it's about meeting her the first time.  The majority of the time this dream has literally been a "dream".  Some type of circumstance in it SO would not happen.  EVERY dream has been me flying on a plane there.  Sometimes I show up at the door, at work, at a family event, sometimes my social worker is with me.  Never is my husband with me nor my children or my parents. I'm always alone.

Never has she been happy to see me.  Several times she has embraced me, but then made me pretend to be a "friend" so no one will know. I guess this is because this is how it is in real life.  She has "embraced" me in her own way, but shared it with no one - especially with the siblings that matter the most to both of us. I have dreamed that I show up at the door, she steps outside to talk with me and explains that no one is to know who I am.

This week was different.  Completely different.  This week I had a dream that COULD happen and was realistic.  Again, I flew there.  I met my social worker at the airport.  She met with me before we were to meet Jean at a restaurant.  We then met Jean at a restaurant and began conversing, guarded, cautious. Not overly friendly, nor emotional but two wounded souls trying, attempting, actually having a conversation and making some progress.  Later in this meeting, both children met us and were told about me.  All of us together. And did this go well?

No, not like a movie.  They were upset, stunned, guarded.  Protective of their mom.  Reasonable? Yes. Hopeful of a good outcome? Yes.  Did they embrace me in the 1st meeting? No, not totally.  I wouldn't expect that. Although if you asked me a few years ago, I would have said yes, I expect it. I've been working on realistic expectations, it's a painful process.

Did it all wrap up in a nice neat package? No. Does it in real life? No. Unfortunately... cause I love neat packages.  :) And I don't like loose end relationships, not knowing where you stand with people. But I'm learning, trusting in God's plan B or even plan Z or FFF.

But I woke up with a sense of renewal.  All the other dreams had had the same theme, this one was completely different.  This had hope. This wasn't some crazy Tonya Mosher antics.

Leads me back to Christ. He is lining the path. His timing. His ways I want to be my ways. I'm ready to face what's next.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6