The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide by Julie Jarrell Bailey
This is THE 1st book I have read on adoption (that wasn't fiction, cause Leslie Gould CAN write about adoption perfectly) that ACTUALLY gets it RIGHT! She nailed the point of view from all sides and I feel more free about who I am than I ever have before.
She says about 3% of the world's population is adopted. This would tell you that 6% of the population has been a "birth parent". Adding on extended family of their siblings, parents and that would be 12%. That means that this issue affects a lot of our population. It also says that you have circles of people in your life that are directly affected by adoption in some type of capacity. Too bad we don't band together to make more social changes in this area, but that's not the focus of this post... maybe another one.
Her advice throughout the book is fantastic -- each chapter ends with questions to ask yourself as the adoptee, or as the birth mother. Reflective, purposeful questions. I wish I would have been smart to read it BEFORE this "reunion" with my birth mom, but I know that the timing of reading it was perfect. Not sure I would have had the same appreciation before my experiences.
She comments that a reunion must like weddings, go through it's own natural progressive stages all the way through the 1st year of life together. It does take this long, sometimes longer (SHOCKER! NOT!) for everyone to reach their level of comfort and levels of healing. I say levels, because like grief, I believe their is a process in these situations. Some days I feel great about where I am, what I've done, how it's gone.....other days it's as dark as it is depressing. You have to ask yourself -- is this worth it? God, show yourself to me! I need to know You are still in this! It hurts - can you take the hurt from me? I am human in my hurt, You see the big picture, not the selfish Tonya Mosher.
Here's another thing -- make your reunion your own. Don't let others try to influence you or have words about it. This has been one of the areas I've prayed about the most as in my past, I've been super sensitive about my adoption, and feelings. I knew this was an area I'd need to trust God in. Most people have good intentions (biting my tongue) and don't know what to say. Those of you who know me best would say what I say.......then say nothing at all and give a hug. However, extend grace, take their words, use the filter of Jesus and continue on. No one can feel what you feel, see what you see, love how you love. End of story.
NO ONE experiences the reunion that they fantasized about. Isn't that the truth? However, I trust God knows and knew what experience was for me. I would not trade the last 3 years for anything.
Nature vs Nurture. Remember this in psychology class? I do. I always wanted a clear answer to this....however they are interwoven. You are part nature, part nurture...... I feel as though I have some real traits of my parents yet many things that aren't even close. So, as a kid I thought I must be like my birth parents. Ha! That didn't turn out to be true. At least, not yet. BUT I am who God designed me to be --- a tie dye one of a kind collection of my parents and my birth family. I am who I am because of my adoption. It has made me who I am today.
Here's the huge clincher for me...... and this may seem obvious to you, but it wasn't to me until I read this. "According to Dr. David Chamberlain, newborn babies are born cognitive beings and are able to recognize their birth mothers. If babies are able to recognize their birth mothers, then they should recognize that they have been separated. Bonding between mother and child is unique. The bond created at birth is a life line of family legacy and belonging to something bigger than they. While adoption can provide a strong support network and a loving & nurturing environment, it may always lack something on the level of self -completion." Taken word for word from Julie's book. I didn't want to screw up the wording.
What does this mean to me? This is SCIENTIFIC. It is NORMAL. Where was this advice when I was a teen? 20? 30? Now at 40, it's freeing. FREEING. It's OK to have this missing link. It's OK to feel this way. But here it is.... it's NOT OK to try to fill this void with other things;material possessions, drugs, alcohol, etc...... but the real truth is GOD CAN fill this missing link and I'll continue to ask Him to every day of my life. Now I know where that feeling comes from and the why, He can really work. It's time. I don't want to waste another day of those icky thoughts and feelings. Let's heal it. Let's make it stronger. Let's use this to do something good for Him.
I won't go into the advice I received about the birth mom. A bit too personal about again just as freeing. I saw deeper glimpses into her and what her life may be like. Julie says: "Lies were told, secrets were maintained, records were sealed, lives were devastated all in the name of adoption. These relationships are very fragile and should be handled with extreme care - not just as though you are walking on eggshells, but on cracked eggshells, which you must be careful not to shatter completely." Ouch. I'm not good at this. I have a lead foot, a heavy step - I like action, I like relationships, I like progress. But it doesn't work this way - and if it did, it risks being one sided. Notice the "I"'s? Yep, selfishness has to be curbed. Bite my tongue? Yep.... Wait? Yep... things I'm not good at but have been learning about.
And the final statement -- which Julie opens with and closes with:
"Enter your reunion with caution, compassion, responsibility and patience"
Good advice in any aspect of your life. At the end of the day, you have to answer for your actions.
Julie, thank you for your amazing words of advice and the advocacy that you are doing for adoptees and for returning my email with such love!
